My Soul To Take (2010)

Score: 2/10

Length: 107

Language: English

Categories: 2000s, murderer, Painful Movie Mondays

A Wes Craven flick that seems like a really cool idea involving “multiple personalities” and teen slasher madness. Sadly, it’s almost like the story confuses itself, and the puzzle that is this movie isn’t put together for a satisfying ending. There are too many characters without any need, and it’s really hard to see John Magaro as anything but the creepy kid he played in The Box. Also featuring a cute blond guy I’ve never seen before, and Carol’s lesbian lover, Susan, from Friends. I do admit, at least the title makes sense with the film, but I’m tired of hearing this prayer reference in horror movies, when it has nothing to do with God or demons or even children, really. It’s as overused as a pop song telling people to “throw their hands in the air”. This movie features another ridiculous cliche- the mysterious killer who is a huge man with long hair that turns out to be a scrawny kid. How does that work? Well it doesn’t, like most things in this disppointing movie with a blasé finish.

photo credit: http://www.doblu.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/mysoultake2441.jpg

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The Dark Half (1993)

Score: 3/10

Length: 122

Language: English

Categories: 90s, murderer, Stephen Kingy, psychological

This two hour Romero film about a writer whose murderous alter-ego comes to life is so obviously Stephen Kingy, I’m making a new category called just that. It’s entertaining as we’re watching the mystery reveal itself, but there’s a lot of unnecessary movie fluff going on that makes it hard to stay connected to the story. The end took so long I started reading a book. Once again, if a half an hour was cut out of this, it might have been a great flick. It’s a typical 1993 sort of film with a well-thought-out plot and no special effect awesomeness (but mind you, decent make-up). Timothy Hutton is filed under cheesy 90’s actor in my books (not to say I don’t like him, he was solid in Beautiful Girls), but he really shows off his acting skills as the two characters in this one.

photo credit: http://img4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130215173213/villains/images/3/3e/The-dark-half-george-stark-timthy-hutton-bandaged-head.jpg

Rosewood Lane (2011)

Score: 3/10

Length: 97

Language: English

Categories: 2000s, almost horror, murderer

An almost horror and an almost decent movie. You can tell there is going to be a twist at the end, but I could think of only two possible scenarios throughout, and the easier one was true. There are a lot of unanswered questions and dumb decisions made in this film about a woman who is harassed by a strange teenager in her neighbourhood with black eyes. One of those questioned decisions is not why Rose McGowan decided to have so much plastic surgery that she looks like she has a permanent duckface on. They are more along the lines of: if dogs could detect the guy and chase him away, why wouldn’t she just get a dog? Getting a cat seems almost stupid on purpose. And why was this called Rosewood Lane? Such an unimaginative title that had as much to do with the movie as Lauren Velez’s bad acting (which you’ll probably remember from her role as Lt. LaGuerta on Dexter) and bad wig. The slow-motion final scenes are endlessly frustrating, and the movie itself is a let down, but not unwatchable.

photo credit:http://www.beyondhollywood.com/uploads/2011/05/Ashton-Moio-in-Rosewood-Lane-2011-Movie-Image-2.jpg

Ouija (2014)

Score: 2/10

Length: 89

Language: English

Categories: recent, 2000s, Painful Movie Mondays, ghost, murderer

Thirty seconds in I was already rolling my eyes. Then she burns the ouija board in the fireplace and it appears back on her bed in perfect condition? What is this, a Goosebumps episode? The storyline seems cool enough- after a teen girl’s best friend dies, she finds her ouija board and starts experimenting with it, only to find the ghost she is speaking to is not her best friend, but a little girl with the initials D.Z. Turns out, while they were alive, the child’s mother used her as a vessel for the spirits she summoned, and when the child went crazy, she was killed and her mouth sewn shut to keep the spirits from escaping. The now adult sister of the child ghost (who the teen group visits in a mental institution) tricks them into cutting the stitches from her mouth and freeing the little girl ghosts’ evils. Seems okay, right? Nope, this is one of the worst horrors I’ve seen in the last few years that does not have Nic Cage in it. If I was younger I might enjoy it, as I can’t say it wasn’t entertaining, but the details don’t make much sense and the script and acting is awful. The movie tries quite hard to pull on your heartstrings and I’m not really sure why it’s trying to be anything but scary. Which it isn’t anyway.

photo credit: http://www.apnatimepass.com/ouija-movie/ouija-movie-wallpaper-4.jpg

In The Mouth Of Madness (1994)

Score: 5/10

Length: 95

Language: English

Categories: 90s, psychological, aliens, monster

I’m going to spoil the crap out of this one. It has a fantastic storyline, and I’m going to ruin it right here. The movie is about an insurance investigator who has gone crazy, and is recounting his story to the asylum psychiatrist. He believes that a sci-fi author (named Sutter Cane) has written books that are coming to life, letting loose Lovecraftian monsters and madness in the city. Turns out, the whole time Trent (the insurance investigator) was just a character in the writer’s movie. A John Carpenter film that feels like it came from Stephen King, falls flat in that it’s too soft and safely played to be as amusing as it thinks it is. Sam Neil playing a patient in an insane asylum is just cheesy and silly. The role would have been played better by pretty much any other actor (without poorly drawn crosses on their face). I did, however, enjoy the dream-like madness of the film, especially the parts with the fake old-person on the bicycle. A great idea, but this film could really use a shot of whisky and some red bull.

photo credit: http://www.jeremyhaun.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/in-the-mouth-of-madness-w1280.jpg

Saw (2004)

Score: 8/10

Length: 102

Language: English

Categories: 2000s, gore porn, recommended, psychological

I’m slightly embarrassed to say that I’ve seen all of the Saw movies. Admittedly, because the first one was so good. One of the most popular horror franchises of my time, and the first one starts off strong (which I can also say for the second installment, but not for the five films to follow). Not since Scream had a horror movie killer been a household name and popular Halloween costume which was found in the spiral-cheeked, squeaky tricycle-riding Jigsaw. I remember watching this as a teenager with my best friend who almost had the blankets over her head. It was blood and gore, yes, but the storyline was carefully created to scare you in a realistically torturous way, and the twist left my mouth hanging open as the movie went to darkness.  About two men who are locked in a bathroom in a warehouse who must perform a killer’s tasks in order to prove themselves worthy to be alive.

Liked Saw? See the other 6 Saw movies or try The Collector and The Collection. If you want to kick up the gore, Hostel and Martyrs are your movies.

photo credit: http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-5fkCSB2PZxs/UfoAW7r-23I/AAAAAAAALrM/vcuy81XmRqo/s1600/Saw-2004-Tobin-Bell.png

Horns (2014)

Score: 2/10

Length: 120

Language: English

Categories: 2000s, recent, murderer, Painful Movie Mondays, almost horror, devil

It’s sad that I am warming up more and more to Radcliffe’s movies as he takes on the role of the new Elijah Wood, because this one is such a complete waste of film. About a man who sprouts horns while inadvertently unravelling the mystery of his girlfriend’s death and affairs. I assume this is partly classified as a horror because of the topics of demons and devils, however, it definitely belongs more in the supernatural drama category. It kind of felt like I was watching an episode of Charmed where the featured demon was Hellboy. I was interested throughout in the murder mystery but was let down with an unimaginative and disposable plot that was trying to hard to be too many genres. I don’t know what it is, but lately all the movies I’ve endured that are dragged out over a two hour span aren’t worth a damn, this one included.

photo credit: http://www.eyeforfilm.co.uk/images/newsite/horns-movie-daniel-radcliffe-movie-stills_600.jpg

The Babadook (2014)

Score: 6/10

Length: 93

Language: English

Categories: recent, 2000s, psychological, murderer

I am very conflicted about this film. The acting is well done and the movie plays out like an unsettling storybook. But at the same time, there were a lot of silly parts, and it wasn’t overly scary. I will say, watching this you will feel a strong unease that never lets up, and the movie will keep it’s creepy, eerie style right until the end. I really wish they would have spent more time with the dark cartoons in the story book so that it was more engrained in the movie. The film is about a woman suffering from depression and her affected child battling with a demon (pun intended) from a book called the Babadook. The underlying message and the symbolism is smart, and the acting by the mom is amazing, but that doesn’t mean the movie was scary enough.

photo credit:http://www.thenorthernlight.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/The-Babadook.png

Only Lovers Left Alive (2013)

Score: 3/10

Length: 123

Language: English

Categories: vampire, zombie, recent, 2000s, almost horror

You’d think a movie with modern vampires and zombies and Tilda Swinton and Tom Hiddleston as leads would be exciting and thrilling. Even though this is partly classified as a horror because of the above monsters, it is one of the slowest movies I have ever seen. It’s beautiful and creative, but oh man, is it boring, stretched thinly over two hours that could’ve been spent watching an actual horror movie.

photo credit: http://torrentsmovies.net/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/Only-Lovers-Left-Alive-2014.jpeg

Deliver Us From Evil (2014)

Score: 6/10

Length: 118

Language: English

Categories: 2000s, recent, demon, zombie, psychological

Demonic possession and mind control. A hunky priest/exorcist. Eric Bana’s face at 6:03. Joel McHale as Fred Durst for comic relief. I think we have a winner! As a whole, I actually enjoyed this movie. The darkness in the old buildings and the zoo, the realistic and creative blood and make-up, and a story that was not totally ridiculous and nonsensical. Yes, there were a bunch of things that made no sense (what, these cops don’t know how to use guns??) but I was kept entertained so I didn’t mind too much.

photo credit: http://i.ytimg.com/vi/8TgHldrvLrA/maxresdefault.jpg