Dead and Breakfast (2004)

Score: 3/10

Length: 88

Language: English

Categories: 2000s, horror comedy, zombie, murderer

First things first, I was very disappointed that I did not see any breakfast in this movie. Not eggs, nor bacon, not even a bagel. The gore on the other hand, was constant and ideal. It’s a pretty simple idea- a group of young adults stay at a bed and breakfast and are killed, turning into zombies. You know the bad ones, cause they have really thick purple-grey contouring make-up. It’s an odd thing to say, but this movie was not bad enough. Not to say it was good, but I feel like it was going for cheesy quirk. It was all over the place (random country/ rap songs by an awkward Western singer for ‘comic’ relief) and the inconsistency and lack of focus made this a feel a lot longer than it was. It’s labelled as a comedy, but the only funny part was the Thriller-style zombie line dance. “This is like a bad horror movie” was an actual line in the movie and couldn’t be more true.

photo credit: http://horrorfanzine.com/wp-content/uploads/2006/01/dead-and-breakfast-heads.jpg

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Dumplings (2004)

Score: 6.5/10

Length: 91

Language: Mandarin, Cantonese

Categories: Asian, 2000s, foreign, cannibalism

I watched the short of this movie in 3 Extremes (reviewed here: https://earlymorninghorrorreviews.wordpress.com/2015/02/21/three-extremes-2004/), and really enjoyed it. It seems that in order for the film to be extended, a bigger storyline was given to each character, especially the husband. The vain actress still goes to see Aunt Mei for her infamous dumplings which are promised to restore youth. But the husband finds out the secret ingredient of the dumplings and after sexing both his wife and his mistress, he spends some awkward heated sexy time confronting Aunt Mei. I was annoyed that the story was revealed at the very start instead of easing into it, and although I liked the change in the ending, I preferred the creepiness in the original over the revenge plot.

photo credit: http://images.viralnova.com/000/088/417/desktop-1414688729.jpg

Dale and Tucker vs. Evil (2010)

Score: 6/10

Length: 89

Language: English

Categories: horror-comedy, 2000s, recent, cabin

I was really into the idea of this movie. A bunch of idiotic young adults invade a cabin inhabited by hicks also on vacation. One accident after another from the hick point-of-view, and soon the teens are all dead. I was along for the ride with my hands inside the car when somewhere along the line the movie turns into a love story between a generic blonde baring her belly, and one of the scrubby, hairy, mildly cuddly red-necks. I’ll admit, it’s hard to find a good way to end a horror-comedy. Lesson learned- not by turning it into a romance.

photo credit: http://guardianlv.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/Tucker-and-Dale-Vs-Evil

High Spirits (1988)

Score: 4/10

Length: 99

Language: English

Categories: ghost, comedy-horror, almost horror, 80s

No, this is unfortunately not about a bunch of stoner ghosts. It’s a movie about a hotel and its employees who concoct a plan to scare the guests by creating ghostly illusions. An adult Haunted Mansion, if you will. Jennifer Tilly’s presence and Liam Neeson as a sexy, lustful ghost make the movie. I enjoyed this- it was original, light, and spooky and it had some really great scenes (such as the bed spinning and falling), but the story got old fast and it was hard to stay interested. By the end of the movie you are watching two couples- each a human and a ghost, but you don’t really find yourself caring what happens to any of them. I wish they had taken out the sex and gore and made this into a teen/kids film.

photo credit: https://professormortis.files.wordpress.com

All Cheerleaders Die (2013)

Score: 4/10

Length: 89

Language: English

Categories: 2000s, recent, murderer, zombie, vampire, monster, supernatural

I watched a trailer for this and it looked really funny and it peaked my interest. The first third (until everyone dies) where they build the “story” was pretty hard to sit through. The movie picks up as it turns into a bad-ass “bitches” Jawbreaker-style flick with gemstone Power Rangers teen lesbian computer blood magic?! The end of the film flashes the title with an added part one, though I’m not sure it was popular (or good) enough to have a part two.

photo credit: http://cdn.bloody-disgusting.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/all-cheerleaders-die1.jpg

The Woods (2006)

Score: 3/10

Length: 91

Language: English

Categories: 2000s, supernatural, girly, woods

A girl gets dropped off by her parents at a boarding school for gifted girls where she fights, has nightmares, and generally pisses off the witch-mistresses of the school. This is kind of like a grown-up children’s movie. A mix of Suspiria, Girl Interrupted, and The Craft. I’m sorry I got you all excited, because although it is a fantasy film about a coven, it is unfortunately, super boring. There is no build-up really, and it just feels like a bunch of events strung together until the ending which is guessable and flat. Some day there will be another good witch-horror. Today is not that day.

photo credit: http://www.fangirlmag.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/the-woods1.jpg

Troll (1986)

Score: 6/10
Length: 82
Language: English
Categories: 80s, monster, horror comedy

Harry Potter (because this is when that name was normal) and his family move into an apartment building with numerous residents (including Elaine Benes as an alluring leaf woman!) that are quite the characters. The daughter has a magic ring that turns her into a troll. A ridiculous, disgusting, typical eighties troll. I came into this wanting to hate it because Troll 2 was so magical, but I thought it was fairly awesome for a horror with a random musical number. The two films had a lot more in common than I expected, but the original had a real lull in the middle and slower pacing overall. Even though the trolls (and other assorted creatures) are UAF, I enjoyed this strange story. (Though I’ve already forgotten what happens at the end.)

See the review for Troll 2 here: https://earlymorninghorrorreviews.wordpress.com/2014/10/07/troll-2-1990/

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Zombeavers (2014)

Score: 4/10

Length: 85

Language: English

Categories: recent, 2000s, zombie, animal, cabin, horror-comedy

Three sorority girls who really enjoy short shorts go on a trip to a cabin to forget about boys. Then their boyfriends show up and they are attacked by radioactive beavers. Awesome animatronics as you might expect, and the film does a really great job of making the characters unlikable and disposable. Best parts: when the blond turns into a beaver, the fake mustache, the horribly CGI’ed hand, and the bloopers at the end. Uninspired, barely original, and full of sweet eighties music.  A great film to play in the background while you drink beer.

“I’m sorry I never ate your pussy. I’m going to go back and eat all of it one day.”

photo credit: https://timeentertainment.files.wordpress.com/2013/07/picture-2.png

Top Ten Goosebumps Episodes/ Books

In anticipation for the upcoming Goosebumps movie (or the film of the summer as I like to call it), I will be reviewing the most memorable Goosebumps books (and accompanying television episodes).

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Night of the Living Dummy, Night of the Living Dummy 2, Night of the Living Dummy 3, Bride of the Living Dummy, Slappy’s Nightmare, Revenge of the Living Dummy

Slappy is by far the most famous character from the Goosebumps book, which spawned a slew of sequels that were each magnificent in their own horrific way.

Most memorable: Every time Slappy gets “angry eyebrows”.

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Be Careful What You Wish For

A nerdy girl called Byrd meets a strange woman who gives her three wishes, which, of course, all go badly. Not original in the least, but a really fun episode when you’re a kid.

Most memorable: When the most popular girl in school becomes an obsessive stalker.

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The Haunted Mask

The duck costume, Mary-Beth’s annoying whiny innocence, and the mask you were just dying to have for Halloween but which probably would have cost about $200 makes this episode one of the best.

Most memorable: When Mary-Beth gets her own human-looking mask.

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Say Cheese and Die

Kids missing from pictures go missing in real life. The lasting image is the skeletons at the family barbecue (from the book cover).

Most memorable: When you watch this ten years later and see the camera like it’s the first time.

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Stay Out of the Basement

You better listen to plant-dad and stay the hell out of the basement. Kids, they never listen.

Most memorable: The typical “which one is the real one” scene where one dad has to be hosed.

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Welcome to Camp Nightmare

A two-parter with lots of page-turning suspense and a fun, supernatural twist on the last day of camp.

Most memorable: There aren’t any super memorable scenes but you tend to remember the ending and Larry’s teeth.

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More Monster Blood, Monster Blood, Monster Blood II, Monster Blood III

When I think about Goosebumps, I immediately picture lime green slime… turning into a giant blob monster… on a plane.. trying to get a kid with a mushroom cut.

Most memorable: The throbbing, growing, green blob of goop.

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It Came From Under the Sink

The classic tale of an evil kitchen sponge with teeth. Bonus! An evil potato with teeth.

Most memorable: I think it’s pretty obvious.

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Piano Lessons Can Be Murder

A kid doesn’t want to go to his piano lessons. It’s easy to see why as everyone in the piano business is insane.

Most memorable: The scene with all of the unattached floating hands playing the pianos are what nightmares are made of.

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One Day in Horrorland

A family accidentally ends up in Horrorland on the way to their family vacation. They go on the rides which turn out to be too scary for their liking and soon meet the amusement park’s employees- a bunch of monsters who run a horrible game show where humans are the victims.

Most memorable: The monsters.

photo credits:

http://www.cinemablend.com

http://www.teenidols4you.com

http://www.geeksohard.com

http://images.tvrage.com

http://bummertimes.com

http://vignette4.wikia.nocookie.net

https://spongey444.files.wordpress.com

http://i.ytimg.com

http://41.media.tumblr.com

https://bloggiusmaximus.files.wordpress.com

http://80sand90srevival.weebly.com/

The Voices (2015)

Score: 6.5/10

Language: English

Length: an hour and 47 minutes aka way too long

Categories: 2000s, murderer, recent, psychological, horror-comedy, almost horror

This is a story about a schizophrenic factory worker who lives with his talking pets… and the severed heads in his refrigerator. A fresh idea for a quirky crime-comedy paired along with seamless acting from Ryan Reynolds makes this movie one to see. However, I kind of wish it wasn’t Ryan Reynolds playing the lead, and I also wish the film would have gone either more comedy or more fast-paced horror. It was just too long and the end fell apart, not living up to the high hopes the first hour of the movie set. A fun dip into the mind of a psychopathic killer and his kooky creature roommates.

photo credit: http://i0.wp.com/pmcvariety.files.wordpress.com/2014/01/the-voices-sundance-2.jpg