Bhoot (2003)

Score: 4.5/10

Length: 113

Language: Hindi

Categories: 2000s, foreign, Asian, ghost, haunted house, murderer

I have yet to see a believable, scary Bollywood horror, but that does not mean they aren’t awesome. This film that sounds like a really fast ‘boot’ (this does not help its scare factor) actually means ghost in Hindi. It’s about a couple who move into a haunted apartment. Annnnd the girl thinks she’s crazy, always seeing these ghosts; she goes to a psychiatrist blah blah the ghost possesses her and wants revenge uhuh uhuh… but somehow, Bollywood makes this seem quirky and fun. There are lots of early 2000s peasant blouses as well as weird camera angles around a strange and wonderful geometric apartment. The ghost woman was scary because of her eyes and little else, but you forget what all the other women look like after seeing Rhekha anyway. The length really sucks the scare out of the movie and the demon freak-out noises are almost unbearably bad. Somehow, I still managed to like it. The ending does a great job of proving that all you need to do is calmly talk to your ghost, and eventually, she’ll come around.

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Clown (2014) {with special guest!}

Score: 7/10*

Length: 100

Language: English

Categories: 2000s, recent, recommended, devil, supernatural, murderer

I’m kind of behind on this, but you save this sort of movie for a sunny day, right before the fair (or in my case, the Stampede). Loved the opening scene of the movie, it set the mood for this zany and fresh-faced film. It reminded me of The Santa Claus– if it was in the horror genre. I loved the slow and detailed transformation from man into supernatural clown-devil, but it eventually went a bit too far into CGI land, causing it to lose its believability. The movie got a guffaw out of me at the end, which I appreciated, and I didn’t leave feeling like the last scenes were overly creative, but at last! an ending that isn’t too stupid. I am surprised and shocked at how much I liked this movie. It had such a great mix of comedy, horror (actually making a clown scary), and fantasy weirdness.

Dr. Travis’ Second Opinion:

Score: 6/10

Going into this I was excited to see an ‘R’ rated version of a killer clown movie, the last one I saw was IT, which didn’t get a rating because of it being a mini-series. Clown had the Eli Roth gore I was looking for, but unfortunately it was lacking original deaths and it wasn’t so much a killer clown story but one of possession. The acting was satisfactory and the story kept me engaged right until the end. I’m giving it a six because I was pleased to see an ending where the goddamn child doesn’t save the day. The possession development was interesting, but I can’t give it a higher rating due to the over-played deaths we’ve all seen a thousand times.

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The Stuff (1985)

Score: 6.5/10

Length: 87

Language: English

Categories: 80s, sci-fi, horror-comedy, murderer, almost horror, good bad

I was saving this little gem for when I was able to get some good, white yogurt that resembled “the stuff”. I picked out some banana caramel (surprisingly not yellowy) Greek yogurt and spoon fed myself this fun little eighties bite of magic. Michael Moriarty is our likable 007 hero, but you also get to see a younger “Earl” from 2 Broke Girls, whose name in the movie is… Chocolate Chip.This film is about an alien goop that is marketed as dessert, but becomes addictive and then kills you from the inside. It features a few lame kill-scenes of awesomeness and charming characters. It’s also probably the inspiration for Goosebumps’ Monster Blood series and Scary Movie. The only thing that makes absolutely no sense to me is why they keep trying to burn the Jet Puffed. Are they trying to make s’mores?

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Stigmata (1999)

Score: 5/10

Length: 103

Language: English

Categories: 90s, devil, almost horror, religious

A red pleather-wearing hairstylist is cursed with the stigmata, the wounds of Jesus. A priest, former scientist, and detective goes to investigate her and uncovers something the church wants to keep hidden. I enjoyed this as a kid, but now its overwhelming ninetiesness and the repetition of the demonic episodes seem to suck the movie dry. What saves this Catholic thriller is the semi-imaginative story and Patricia Arquette’s snaggle tooth. It also stars Gabriel Byrne who spent five years trying to become a priest, but instead ended up in movies such as this as well as End of Days.

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Pernicious (2015)

Score: 3/10

Length: 90

Language: English

Categories: 2000s, recent, girly, murderer, gore porn, ghost

A movie that rhymes with suspicious and delicious can’t possibly be bad, can it? Three hot girls with horrible lines uncover a statue of a girl while teaching in Thailand. When you think scary, do you typically think of a badly CGI’ed golden girl child with a gold wig she probably bought on ebay for $7.99? If you think of it as a fairy tale horror, it kind of makes the movie seem better, but it’s still not feasible as a decent movie. There were just too many ideas and so many little idiotic things. Like the girl sitting in bed fanning herself because she’s so hot, while a stand up fan sits beside her unused. And why was the ghost a live statue, a little girl ghost, and also able to possess bodies? She must have spent years in ghost school learning how to do all these things. And who stole all their stuff? This was original, I’ll give it that, but it was also incredibly lazy.

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Masters of Horror: Incident On And Off A Mountain Round

Masters of Horror is a 2000’s television series with a different director for each of the thirteen episodes in the season, running about an hour long.

Directed by: Don Coscarelli (Phantasm, John Dies at the End)

Evil Category: monster man in the woods

Score: one moon face out of five

After a car accident, a woman uses survival skills taught to her by her husband in order to outsmart a forest-lurker. The ginormous John DeSantis plays our monster bad-guy thing, Angus Scrimm from Phantasm plays a random crazy dude locked up (but not really) in a basement, Ethan Embry, nineties icon, is the douchy boyfriend, and the beautiful C-list actress, Bree Turner, plays our heroine. A story with no explanation and a totally unnecessary rape scene; I didn’t love this one. A few cut scenes replaced by a some clarifications would have made this a more enjoyable first episode.


Top Ten (Scream) Queens of Nineties Horror Films

Because I can.

In order from aiight to the bomb to all that and a bag of chips, with nineties slang galore,  here are the top ten horror movie (and some tv) actresses of “the last great decade”.

10. Patricia Arquette

Patricia is/was a star for more mature teen horror lovers, yah know what I mean? She thrilled in Stigmata, Nightwatch, and everyone’s favorite series, Tales From the Crypt. Even though to some, she’s old school, Patricia is one of the few stars still relevant today.


9. Drew Barrymore

Raise the roof for Drew who began her horror reign as a nine year old in Firestarter (1984). A little older, she starred in Waxwork 2, but really broke out when the Jiffy Popper died at the start of the first Scream movie. Word.


8. Clea Duvall

You probably won’t remember her by name, but she has a very recognizable face. Her main horror movie of the decade was The Faculty, but she also starred in the tv version of Buffy. She put a few more horror films under her belt in the 2000s, and made a horror tv appearance later on in her career as Wendy in American Horror Story.


7. Courtney Cox

Courtney’s only horror role has been as the needy, Sydney-pestering reporter, Gale Weathers in Scream (1-4). But don’t be a hater, she was such a popular tv star in the nineties (and eighties, and now) that she deserves a spot. Score!


6. Sarah Michelle Gellar

OMG, SMG. Not only did she scream in both I Know What You Did Last Summer and Scream 2, she got to play a bad-ass beeotch in both Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel (tv series). She also was one of the few to continue on with the horror genre. Sarah Michelle was the shit in newer horrors such as The Grudge (2) and The Return. To top it all off, she lent her voice to the Call of Dead video game.


5. Katie Holmes

Before she became a nutty cult follower and while she was making tough teenage decisions on Dawson’s Creek, Katie starred in Disturbing Behavior and Teaching Mrs Tingle, as a worried, but strong-willed brunette beauty. The Gift, in 2000, was her last attempt at a horror film.


4. Rebecca Gayheart

Probably the most underrated actress of the nineties, chica is equipped with distinctively beautiful features and wacked eyes. Rebecca dominated nineties films such as: Scream 2, Urban Legend, Jawbreaker, From Dusk till Dawn 3, and most awesomely, a straight-to-video horror-western, mmmkay.


3. Rose McGowan

Sensual lips and a Snow White complexion make the former girlfriend of Marylin Manson hard to forget. She acted in such films of the decade as Phantoms, Scream, and Jawbreaker, and later went on to star as a phat witch in the tv show Charmed and a gun-legged zombie survivor in Planet Terror. She will be showing off her mad plastic surgery in the upcoming Poe film, The Telltale Heart.


2. Jennifer Love Hewitt

Although the, like, only horror films she ever starred in were, like, the two installments of I Know What You Did Last Summer, this was her, like, break-out role and what made her a house hold name. Most of her earlier and later movies fall into the romance or drama category, and she revived her career in 2005, starring in The Ghost Whisperer television series. Also, lets be honest here. We gotta give props to a scream queen with great boobs.


1. Neve Campbell

Ohhh snap. Did you really think I’d go against the ways of the Universe? Not only did she star in all of the Scream franchise films, in the nineties she was also in The Craft and an episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark titled The Tale of the Dangerous Soup.


The Damned (2013)

Score: 4/10

Length: 87

Language: English

Categories: 2000s, recent, supernatural, murderer, Painful Movie Mondays

Also known as: The Gallows

Neither title really ties into this story about a family who seeks shelter at an old house where a man is guarding an evil secret. It should be called The Locked or The Evil Within or something a little more sensible. Although the story of a demonic witch child sounds entertaining, everything in the movie just seemed okay. The makeup, the acting, the script… nothing shined and everything fell flat, especially the demon voice that gets increasingly worse as the movie goes on. It feels like they came in with a creative idea and then just got bored and lazy, throwing in every fight scene possible until the unimpressive ending.

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The Taking {of Deborah Logan} (2014)

Score: 5.5/10


Language: English

Categories: 2000s, recent, murderer, devil, woods, moc doc, shaky cam

A faux documentary, about a woman’s mental and physical deterioration while she fights with Alzheimer’s disease, gets more complicated as she’s caught doing bizarre things and revealing the secrets of her past. Not only was the idea scary and very real-life, but there’s an extra story tacked on that doesn’t necessarily work, but I appreciated the effort either way. Jill Larson does an absolutely fantastic job of once again playing the creepy old lady, and her makeup effects were on point. The first half is really well done, and all of the ‘hunting for the old woman in the dark’ scenes were tension-heavy. The “giant mouth” at the end ruined things for me, and the double stories fought with each other instead of working well alongside one another. which is a shame because this minimally shaky cam movie had great potential.

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Teeth (2007)

Score: 6.5/10

Length: 94

Language: English

Categories: 2000s, recent, girly, woods, murderer, horror- comedy

A virginal high school girl who is set on saving herself for marriage discovers she has some visciously mouthy lips! I find this similar to It Follows- it was the indie movie of the year, being original with a modern story and something to say. It’s satisfying watching Dawn attack with a vengeance, but it’s not scary or tense. It’s a minimal thrill and a lot of limp, dimembered penii. Not overall a great film, but it’s still a rare original, and I’m still going to enjoy dressing up as Dawn at horror-con. Teethy vagina and all.

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