The Devil’s Hand (2014)

Score: 3/10

Length: 86

Language: English

Categories: 2000s, recent, girly, religious, devil, murderer, woods

I was flipping through the VOD section of my TV, and randomly picked one I hadn’t seen under ‘D’. Religious cult, daunting devilishness, girl power… I’m in! Unfortunately, this is only scary in the real-life way that these sort of situations are probably happening out there in the world (without, you know, all the Devily stuff). Rufus “I need to be in as many religious (and knighty) thriller movies as possible” Sewell, and Jennifer Carpenter, aka Dexter’s sister are the only identifiable actors in this. I really wanted the main girls to end up puppies and rainbows, as their acting was decent and they were likable characters. I also wanted to see more of the first girl down, as her intense blue eyes and contrasting red hair were simply stunning. There were a lot of Why? and Really?! C’mon! moments, but the ideas behind the movie were leaning towards original, and if the ending didn’t suck so bad, I would’t have minded it. Moral of the story is: the Devil always wins.

photo credit: http://images.best-horror-movies.com/the-devils-hand-2014-movie-image-2.jpg

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The People Under The Stairs (1991)

Score: 3.5/10

Length: 102

Language: English

Categories: 90s, comedy-horror, murderer, monster

So I thought this movie was about a bunch of disfigured forest freaks living under the stairs, raping people and eating their brains and such. Turns out, it’s actually about two “families”- the bad guy landlords are a bunch of psychotic white folks including Madame Eye Patch from Twin Peaks, her lover-brother, and their collection of discarded sons vs. a sassy, foolish kid and his burglar colleges. A kids horror with a dollop of violence; a lengthy hide-and-go-seek game in a house of hollow walls and hidden tunnels. This movie had a one of a kind story and I was impressed that wasn’t cliche in the least, but it should have been cut by about half an hour. At one point you get to “Am I still watching this? How are these people not dead yet!?”

photo credit: blogspot.com/peopleuts1.jpg

Sorority Row (2009)

Score: 4/10

Length: 101

Language: English

Categories: 2000s, recent, murderer, remake, girly

Seen Jawbreaker? This is a less awesome, but more horror-packed version. One of those slasher movies that relies heavily on how stupid the killer story is. I didn’t guess who it was, but the killer and their story were in fact, stupid. The girls did a decent acting job for a bunch of sorority girls and the film featured all the things you’d expect from the title- beer bongs, boobs, and douchey asshole frat boys.There were maybe too many characters and it ran a little too long but it wasn’t as bad as I thought it’d be. Lots of kills and thrills, but still you’re everyday cliche slasher.

photo credit: upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/it/archive/c/ca/20100227170633!Sorority_Row.jpg

Wrong Turn (2003)

Score: 3/10

Length: 84

Language: English

Categories: 2000s, cabin, woods, monster, murderer, Painful Movie Mondays

Right away I thought, Why am I even watching this. It’s my least favorite genre: disfigured forest freaks. There are SIX installments of this title. I like a good cannibal movie as much as the next horror fan, but I just can’t hop on board the disfigured inbred phenomena of the first decade of the 2000s. As I was waiting this entire movie to cringe (not thinking of it’s release year), I appreciate that there are no sexual perversions, and that it’s half silly and half gore and horror chasing. It’s not really too scary or thrilling, however, the incoming axe scene did catch me off guard and give me a jump. Starring that guy from Dexter, that guy from Six Feet Under,, and Eliza Dushku who you’ll recall with greasy, stringy hair in Bring It On. This is a watchable (R rated??) movie about a bunch of young adults who get lost in the forest, snoop about in some gross house, and then get chased around by troll mutant people.

photo credit: https://ianari.files.wordpress.com/2013/02/tumblr_mi9rexoktv1s036d2o3_1280.jpg