Masters of Horror: Jenifer

Masters of Horror is a 2000s television series with a different director for each of the thirteen episodes in the season, running about an hour long.

Directed by: Dario Argento (Suspiria, Opera, Inferno)

Evil Category: deformed, devouring diva

Score: one out of five floppy freak boobs

I saw this episode a few years ago, and I gave it a big   (:/ )   . Watching it again, I mean, it’s a relatively unused idea, although a predictable and eye roll-inducing journey, and the end has a very circle-of-life “twist”. It’s all about the cringe- lust versus revulsion, and revulsion won for me; Jenifer’s lumpy, white tongue made me want to throw up. The director is just having a little fun here, and you’ll have to excuse the less-than-believable script and frequent goofs and plot holes. Let me be Frank (from the episode) here, it’s pretty much a story about having a woman-beast as a pet, and this doesn’t fly so well with me.

photo:http://3.bp.blogspot.com/Jenifer-eye.jpg

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Masters of Horror: Deer Woman

Masters of Horror is a 2000s television series with a different director for each of the thirteen episodes in the season, running about an hour long.

Directed by: John Landis (An American Werewolf in London, Twilight Zone: The Movie)

Evil Category: lady centaur

Score: two out of five furry STDs

After skimming through Mr. Landis’ filmography of campy comedies and tv episodes, I wasn’t impressed or excited to watch this segment. It was, luckily, better than I thought it was going to be, but it was also mostly a character-building crime hunt that led you to… a woman with deer legs who kills horny men for no reason?? I thought it would be soaking in folklore and story-telling chief encounters, but they just threw a little of that in quickly at the end and only out of need. There are nonchalant jump scares that make you laugh at yourself and surprisingly funny scenario play-outs dreamed up by the detective. It’s clear this humor-laden offering is by a comedy director (also known for directing Micheal Jackson’s Thriller music video). Warning, it’s not as awesome as the picture makes it look.

photo: http://2.bp.blogspot.com/deer_woman.jpg

Let Us Prey (2014)

Score: 3.5/10

Length: 92

Language: English

Categories: 2000s, recent, murderer, devil, religious

Critics scored this Irish flick low, though the fans scored it high. Why? I have no idea. A collector of souls lurks around relying mainly on his naturally inquisitive eyebrows to create mystery. A bunch of cops with crooked pasts fumble around with the prisoners while each person is killed one by one to “pay for their sins” or whatever. Not original in the least and even though I held on until the end, I was not rewarded. For a film festival movie I expect a lot more strangeness and excitement. Pollyanna McIntosh (who you might remember from Exam or The Woman) strengthens the film with her talents and Eva Mendes-like beauty. The array of interesting characters revisit their back stories in a small-town jail which is nice to see, as there aren’t a ton of horror movies set in prison. Other than the set and actors, this film is a big bowl full of boring. I mostly prayed for it to be over, as it got worse as it went on.

photo credit: http://image.tmdb.org/t/p/original/6y5s5XboARsaZARPBO9L3oYM9Bl.jpg

The Possession (2012)

Score: 5.5/10

Length: 92

Language: English

Categories: 2000s, recent, devil, religious

Yes, another movie with a generic title you’re never going to remember. This is partially the reason I write these things. Another Canadian entry, “based on a true story”. It’s kind-of in the Annabelle category, and I’m giving it the same score. A box, moths, a Hasidic Jewish exorcist, and a lot of family drama just about sums it up. I really thought the acting was fantastic, the story was leaning towards original, and it took a shot at including tension such as the morgue search. The movie had its moments. On the other hand, the CGI was mediocre and there were so many guessable bits. Oh, the group turns down your pleas to save your daughter? Don’t worry, the eccentric guy who brought you here in the first place will chase after you in 5…  4…  3…  The ending? Meh. The story as a whole? Double meh. Watchable, but not necessary. And before we go, let’s visit this point. When’s the last time you watched a male character being the main possessed body?

photo credit: http://img.moviepilot.com/ThePossession

American Mary (2012)

Score: 7/10

Length: 103

Language: English

Categories: 2000s, recent, murder, girly, recommended

The only things I didn’t really like about this CANADIAN movie are the title (nothing really overly American about her) and the unnecessary over sexualization of Miss Mary, such as the club owner’s lengthy fantasy scenes. I also, of course, could have done without the rape which captured the entire event start to finish, but luckily there’s some very satisfying (while cringe-worthy) revenge scenes. Otherwise, this movie (written and directed by females) about a med student gone wrong is actually pretty creative and well done. A strange mix of Hard Candy, Nip/Tuck, and the Caterpillar short from Rampo Noir.  Katherine Isabelle (Ginger Snaps) is gorgeous in playing both the innocent and the bad-ass sides of Mary, although anyone who enjoys stitching dead chickens isn’t so angelic. Every character was interesting in their own way, but the body-mod “freaks” were absolutely fantastic. Who wants to live their life without seeing a real-life Betty Boob and a human barbie with no nipples and a vagina that’s sewn shut??

*edit: I accidentally wrote Betty Boob, but I’m not changing it.

photo credit: http://cdn.bloody-disgusting.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/American-Mary2.jpg

Masters of Horror: Cigarette Burns

Masters of Horror is a 2000s television series with a different director for each of the thirteen episodes in the season, running about an hour long.

Directed by: John Carpenter (Halloween, The Fog, The Thing)

Evil Category: video (cassette tape, still haven’t moved on to DVDs) that you shouldn’t watch, but you can’t help it…

Score: four out of five intestine film strips

I’m surprised I’ve never mentioned this, but I love the title sequence. I love all horror title sequences really, but this one feels like a mix between Charmed and Dexter‘s openings. A movie about a movie (which always seems to be good), where a man searches after the film that made people crazy and violent. Great actors, lots of film nods, and an inventive story, but I kind of wish there was an alternate version that was more realistic, without all the angels and demons. I liked the strange, dreamlike feel, but the idea could have been really scary in a full feature length film focusing on psychology and the effects on the mind. The main problem with this episode is that they chose to base it around a film with a French title- which unfortunately, said by a bunch of Americans over and over sounds increasingly cheesy. Nevertheless, a nice end to the first box of DVDs in the season!

photo: http://4.bp.blogspot.com/Cigarette-Burns.jpg

Masters of Horror: Haeckel’s Tale

Masters of Horror is a 2000s television series with a different director for each of the thirteen episodes in the season, running about an hour long.

Directed by: John McNaugton (Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer, Wild Things)

Evil Category: sexy resurrections (or should I say reserections… )

Score: four out of five pusing baby zombies

The story is pretty ridiculous (especially the end twists), but I actually totally liked it. I can’t say I’ve seen a good horror with this many twists… especially a zombie one. In this episode, a man seeks out a necromancer to bring his late wife back from the dead, and receives a strange zombie tale instead. For awhile I forgot it was a horror, so the scene with the dead hanging person caught me off-guard. I was thinking the grey goop might be bird poop and when I saw what it was coming from it scared the crap out of me. (I also may have been concentrating on my pistachio ice cream.) The woman having sex got old pretty fast, but it was hilarious that she kept doing it as people got shot and killed around her. And just when you didn’t think they could show any more of this woman’s boobs… they show some more boobs.

photo: http://images2.fanpop.com/image/photos/

Student Bodies (1981)

Score: 4/10

Length: 86

Language: English

Categories: 80s, comedy horror, murderer

If I could sum of this movie with one sentence, it would be: an eighties version of Scream, less vulgar and without all the joys of very obviously making fun of other horror movies. It took me three tries to watch it. I really appreciated it, I did. There weren’t and aren’t a lot of comedy horrors (especially that aren’t sequels) and this was one of the first of its kind. It just got boring after awhile. It’s quirky, unique, and has humor in mind, but the fact of the matter is that it’s just not funny. The killer is the unseen “breathing man” and after hearing the mildly hilarious panting killer the first time, you’re over it by the second, third, fourth, fifth time. I did really enjoy the main actress, though I have no idea as to why. I’m not really sure what to say about this movie; it’s about a bunch of teens who get killed by a likely asthmatic when they’re found having sex.

photo credit: http://www.badmovies.org/movies/studentbodies

Masters of Horror: Dance of the Dead

Masters of Horror is a 2000s television series with a different director for each of the thirteen episodes in the season, running about an hour long.

Directed by: Tobe Hooper (The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, Poltergeist)

Evil Category: dancing zombies controlled an evil man

Score: two out of five  spray drugs

A tale of a post-apocalyptic world where the dead are used as entertainment, and people don’t care to shower as much as they used to. Man, don’t watch this if you have a headache. There was a lot of time spent in a loud, gothy metal club and watching the group do drugs while driving. Metal blasting, whisky drinking, insufferable teens in leather. That guy up on the stage singing is Billy Corgan. I also didn’t really appreciate all of the throwing of women in the garbage, but I thought the story was original and had a strong ending.

“We don’t eat pie. We fucking despise pie.”

photo: http://www.curragh-labs.org/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/DanceOfTheDead.jpg

Demonic Toys (1992)

Score: 4.5/10

Length: 86

Language: English

Categories: 1990s, toys, horror comedy, good-bad, clown

This feels like a late eighties crime-thriller film with some possessed jack-in-the-box clowns and demonic bears with pointy teeth thrown in. It’s about a bust gone wrong and an evil spirit that can change forms who wants to impregnate himself into the lady-cop. Shockingly and sadly, the movie isn’t as ridiculous as it sounds. What really made it for me was the snarly, bad-ass Oopsie Daisy baby who reminded me of The Gingerdead Man. There is a lot of gun shooting at the toys which makes it kind of lame. Toys are fun! Let’s at least kill them in amusing ways.

photo credit: http://cinema.theiapolis.com/movie-0W5F/demonic-toys