Frogs, or as it should be called: Frogs, Snakes, and Other Un-frightening Creatures, is about a very white, very wealthy family and their slaves… I mean, servants, who have their family birthday get-together spoiled by croaking warty toads. Strong with seventies magic, but full of easily avoidable deaths that give the film a comedic air. Sure, most people have open jars of poison laying around, neatly labeled on the shelf in their green house, but do the lizards really have a reason behind carelessly knocking them over? I have totally been running in the forest, scared of a few snakes, when I somehow got caught in trees and fell, only then to have frogs do my makeup. It wasn’t overly hilarious, and it definitely wasn’t scary (little chubby hops don’t usually evoke the fear within). It was easy to sit through, but it might be the type of movie best enjoyed while doing something else, such as playing video games. Frogger, anyone?
Stuffed into a theatre full of hipsters, stripped down to my tank top as it stayed a steady 30 degrees, I excitedly felt the film’s building dread. About twin boys whose mother returns home after having some work done on her face and doesn’t seem to be the person she was before. I’m not going to give much away, as you’ll undoubtedly spend an hour looking up what everyone has to say about every detail of this unsatisfying, plot-hole-filled film of two very different halves. The cinematography is distinct and luxurious, the scenes bright and sculpted with a simple complexity. But, oh my god, the twist was so exhaustingly obvious. Just hit me over the head with it, grind it up in a blender, and throw it in my face. Oh, there’s only breakfast for one? Oh, only one name is mentioned until halfway through the movie? Whisper, whiper, I can’t talk for myself. Ugh. I needed something else, another twist, something that had to do with the mother. I was really hoping she was someone else. The cat, the emotionless mother with no fight in her, the unexplained accident, and about twenty other details were brought in and never explained- left up to interpretation. But I can’t think of a single explanation that makes any sense, whilst including every single minute thing. Mommy did a great job of being creepy, and the boys were subtle but effective and definitely likable. Watch it, but lower your hopes first, because although the trailer is fantastic, this is no It Follows.
A bunch of psychologists get their hands on a woman with ESP. Their tests become more invasive- though with better results, when the government gets involved, planning to use the victim’s gifts against their enemies. Unfortunately, the film constantly switched back and forth between melancholy documentary featuring sleep-inducing interviews, and sometimes ineffective scare scenes. This flip-flopping helped the movie to build little to no climax, and although I had a few jumps when I wasn’t really paying attention, I was left feeling like I went on a road trip to nowhere. Excited at first, half-awake in the middle, and just really wanting to pee by the end. Virtually unknown actress, Rye Kihlstedt, has an amazingly evil glare and I’m glad she was chosen for the part. I’d love to see her giving the demon eyes after being catcalled on the street. I seemed to had quickly gone from fearing her to just feeling sorry for her being held in a glass cage, electrocuted over and over. It started off about her extraordinary mental powers and then just got all demony. I wouldn’t want to watch it a second time, however, it did keep me entertained, I guess. (Yes, I know the picture makes it look good. You should probably watch it.)
Masters of Horror is a 2000s television series with a different director for each of the thirteen episodes in the season, running about an hour long.
Directed by: Joe Dante (Piranha, Gremlins)
Evil Category: bland military zombies
Score: one useless ballot out of five
No, this is not about some sort of evil teen queen, it’s just another lame zombie movie. A political writer makes a scene on a news talk show, stating that if soldiers were alive, they’d vote on his side. Then a bunch of undead soldiers come out of their graves in order to vote. They obviously vote for the opposition, and when things don’t go their way, the eating of flesh begins. As you can tell from my magical synopsis, this episode is definitely not the star of the season. I mean, it’s okay, it’s there, but it’s not memorable. It’s supposed to be funny, but as I am watching this after almost a decade of zombie madness, if you’re in the genre you’ve really got to impress.
Categories: 2000s, recent, murderer, psychological, demon, haunted house
This is a movie that you can interpret two different ways and I appreciate that. It’s either about depression and anxiety and the downward spiral back into drugs or… demons. Or maybe even a little bit of both? Molly and her new husband move back into her childhood home where strange things start happening and memories of her father come back to haunt. There is a lot of tension packed into this film. If people walking down dark hallways and slowly opening doors is your thing, boy, is this the movie for you! With all the tension, the end really has to be intense and shocking. And it’s not, really. People die with little effort and shadowy raccoon figures command nudity. I didn’t really understand the need for the random video taping/ found footage scenes, and they could have pushed the horse-heading a lot more, but Molly, in fact, did a lovely job of acting. I have a feeling that if an uninvited stranger didn’t knock on my door right before I started this movie, I probably would have given it a lower score.