Masters of Horror: Pro-Life

Masters of Horror is a 2000s television series with a different director for each of the thirteen episodes in the season, running about an hour long.

Directed by: John Carpenter (Halloween, The Fog, The Thing)

Evil Category: Satan’s scaly brother versus the blind God-followers

Score: two out of five crabby babies

Carpenter’s second contribution is about a girl who is pregnant with a monster’s baby, and whose family is determined to stop her from aborting her demon spawn. Her father thinks he is doing “God’s work”. Although the episode has a little sci-fi and a few gun-shot deaths to qualify it, I’m beginning to think this series is called Masters of Horror because the directors have worked on horror films before, not because it should be classified as horror series. The idea of family vs ground demon vs girl was okay and there were a few fun and ridiculous events. It just lacked any tension or twists- only milky-acid splash surprises. I felt like no one was really trying their best to make this anything more than Desperate Housewives being taken over by The Wishmaster. I expected a pro-life themed entry to be more somber and emotionally demanding than this was, and even with the images of the child crustacean and the reptilian beast, it’s quite forgettable.

 

photo:  http://fanpop.com/

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Masters of Horror: Chocolate

Masters of Horror is a 2000s television series with a different director for each of the thirteen episodes in the season, running about an hour long.

Directed by: Mick Garris (Sleepwalkers, Hocus Pocus [writer])

Evil Category: nothing at all

Score: one out of five psychic fucks

The main idea of this entry is fascinating. It’s very Being John Malkovichian, which is one of my favorite movies of all time. I also didn’t realize other people thought of things like this, but I sometimes totally pretend someone is inside me, seeing all the things I do. I find this connection rather fantastic. Unfortunately, the episode doesn’t have much to do with chocolate and it seemed very watered-down. Nothing really happens with the ending, and the only thing horrorlike is that two people get killed. Big whoop. There are so many interesting and scary things that could have been done to liven up the storyline, but the in-body experiences focused on sex and it seemed more like a dating drama instead of a horror episode. Even the scene where he’s orgasming- it looks like he’s having a freaking seizure, and instead of helping him, everyone just yells at him to stop. It’s really strange. This was like making a pb and j and then realizing your jam was actually ketchup. Unsuccessful. It’s even more sad that it is so, as Mick Garris is actually the creator of Masters of Horror.

PS- The main guy is the kid from E.T.

photo:  http://a2.tvspielfilm.de

Final Girl (2015)

Score: 4/10

Length: 90

Rating: R

Language: English

Categories: 2000s, recent, murderer, forest

I love a good revenge flick but although satisfying, I wasn’t sold on this one. Probably why I watched it for free. There are a lot of things to like about this film. The best part about it is that, somehow, you are fascinated by the four boys but at the same time you are eagerly waiting for them to die. I think they did a fantastic job casting the males and I really enjoyed each of their unique stories and characters. Even though I gave it a lower score, the movie was fast-paced and entertaining. I mean, I wasn’t bored. I also really appreciated the lack of rape that I thought was going to be inevitable. On the other hand, it was holeyer than Swiss cheese. You can’t not have a million questions during and after watching the movie. And the ending was satisfying but a little dull. Our lead, Abigail Breslin, is gorgeous, but unfortunately, definitely not the right person for the bad-ass ninja role and therefore, the believability just wasn’t present. And oh yeah, don’t watch the trailer. It’s like watching a summary of the entire movie. Here’s all you need to know: four high school gentlemen hunt and kill blonde girls, until an assassin in a prom dress comes along and turns the tables. The big problem with this thriller is that you are told about the girl’s background at the very beginning of the film and there is absolutely no surprise factors.

 

photo credit: http://i0.wp.com/blog.sundvold.net

Masters of Horror: The Fair Haired Child

Masters of Horror is a 2000s television series with a different director for each of the thirteen episodes in the season, running about an hour long.

Directed by: William Malone (House on Haunted Hill, Feardotcom)

Evil Category: witches, warlocks, the undead, and monster-alien-babies

Score: two out of five bad swimmers

The last episode of the first season is a strange one. Nineties teen romance with a little Are You Afraid of the Dark wrapped up in a Eurythmics music video. A husband and wife who have lost their son sacrifice twelve children to a weird, branchy, bald monster in order to have their family back together. This hollow-eyed alien thing with the mark of the Devil on its forehead is unique and not CGi’ed to death. It moves in a film-cut choppy kind-of way, and its a little scary, but the glowing holes in its face take away some of the fright. There’s a twist at the end but it isn’t very believable and although the characters are likable, they aren’t impactful and you’re just watching to see what happens, really. If you’re wondering where you’ve seen the mother before, she plays Lolly in Orange is the New Black, but she’s the only recognizable actor out of the four main characters in this episode. This is another one of those films where two movies that don’t fit together are made into one and it’s hard to really love an episode like this.

 

photo: http://fanpop.com/

The Visit (2015)

Score: 5.5/10

Length: 94

Rating: PG-13

Language: English

Categories: 2000s, recent, SPOILERS, murderer

I’m going to go ahead and ruin the movie first…… giving you some extra time here…..I hope you already watched this movie……. or don’t plan on it……. So I was expecting (not anticipating, let me be clear here) a typical supernatural alien mermaid monster Shamalama situation, and I was surprised that everything turned out pretty normal. I give this the same rating I gave Annabelle as it’s pretty meh for the most part, but has a few really great scare-scenes. The meh I’m referring to is mainly directed at the shaky cam, which I hate 99.6% of the time. But may I warn you, what is so much worse is that there’s a little kid rapping. He raps like, three times. It’s god awful. It’s supposed to be funny,  but I had to skip over it, I couldn’t handle it. Anyway, so two kids go to stay with the grandparents while their mom goes off and has some “adult time” with her boyfriend. The children have never met their grandparents, and within days, all of their illnesses and horrible patterns of “getting old” surface. More and more escalating events happen- grandma beats on the doors naked at night and grandpa has a stash of diapers. The elders are actually quite scary in their insanity, and I enjoyed the splashes of jump scares and tension-building throughout. I liked the oven scenes. But in the usual Manoj Shyamalan fashion, there is a twist, and in this movie it felt childish. It turned the whole movie into an adult Goosebumps episode. But still, these old people do a crazy job of being scary. One last spoiler- you won’t get to see any of M. Night himself in this movie.

 

photo credit: http://.villagevoice.com

The Midnight Meat Train (2008)

Score: 7/10

Length: 100

Rating: R

Language: English

Categories: 2000s, SPOILERS, gore porn, monster, murderer, book, recommended

I first heard of this movie when it came out at film festival, but I assumed it was a zombie flick and I also wasn’t to familiar with Clive Barker at the time. But recently, I decided to read all three of Barker’s Books of Blood, and I couldn’t get enough of this tragic tale.  It’s about a butcher-killer who finds his victims on the late train and the innocent man who accidentally stumbles upon the phenomena. The movie starts off with some bloody fun and took me back to exactly what I envisioned while reading the book. Then, all of a sudden I was watching Limitless, and Bradley Cooper is taking photos of me up close and personal. There are some great, gory bludgeoning scenes where the effects might be a little outdated and cheesy, but they’re still highly creative and I loved all the blood. There’s lots of tension in the chase and being caught and although they could have cut some of the girlfriend mush, I thought the length and pace of the film was designed well. The big-name actors help this horror movie, but Vinnie Jones as Mahogany was enjoyed most of all. Guy knows how to get his glare on. I’m not sure if this is Leslie Bibb’s trademark- trying to sway the hero to stop their passionate search and then taking on the story herself. I know they needed a well-rounded movie to flesh out the short story, but I found her unnecessary altogether. A lot of people are going to be annoyed by the supernatural twist the movie takes, but Clive Barker is all about the supernatural, and I thought they did a really great job of keeping the monsters subtle and not a riddled with CGI. The film follows the story very well, and although it’s not perfect, I was satisfied with the film adaptation.

 

 

photo credit: https://childrenoftheburningfist.files.wordpress.com

 

Masters of Horror: Pick Me Up

Masters of Horror is a 2000s television series with a different director for each of the thirteen episodes in the season, running about an hour long.

Directed by: Larry Cohen (The Stuff,  A Return to Salem’s Lot)

Evil Category: serial killer showdown

Score: three out of five Fairuza Balks

Yes, this is one of the rare sightings of the ‘weird girl’ from The Craft. She’s an angry looking gal with a unique and recognizable face. The episode is a neat idea- a bus with a few people on it breaks down and the passengers and driver all take different routes. Meanwhile, there are two serial killers in the same area, a truck driver and a hitchhiker, and the last person standing from the bus crew fights off the killer-competitiors. It’s an entertaining episode and one of the few stories not plagued by the supernatural, but the ending was far-fetched and I feel like it can only be described as “upper level okay”.

photo: http://3.bp.blogspot.com/

Lady in White (1988)

Score: 3/10

Length: 112

Rating: R ( I don’t know how…)

Language: English

Categories: 80s, almost horror, ghost, urderer

Oh my god, this movie is long. Take a fine idea and stretch it out like a piece of gum and it becomes stale REAL fast. It doesn’t know what it wants to be either- a children’s fantasy or a crime drama. The story is about a boy who is trapped in a room in his school by some asshole classmates. He witnesses a murder and tries to make sense of it, following the ghosts to discover the identity of the killer in the end. I didn’t guess who the killer was, but I was only half paying attention after I realized how much longer I was going to have to sit through this. I liked the concept, and the ending was fast paced, but there could have easily been half an hour cut from the middle. And all of that cheery weirdness at the beginning could be scrapped too. I actually paused the movie to look it up, just to make sure I was watching the right one and that it indeed was in the horror genre. Some of the effects are outdated and pretty awesome because of it, and I wish there were more (such as in the above photo). This movie is kind of like eating a taco. You eat one and it’s great, but after five or so of them you don’t want anymore, but you keep eating them anyway because they’re there. Dessert comes around, and it looks delicious, but you really wish you hadn’t been sitting there eating all of those tacos.

photo credit: http://basementrejects.com

Circle (2015)

Score: 3.5/10

Length: 87

Rating: Unrated (I’d guess PG-13)

Language: English

Categories: 2000s, recent, murderer, aliens, psychological

As you know, I find these mind-fuck human testing scenarios very interesting. There hasn’t been one of these in a few years and I was very excited to add this to my list of Top Ten Strangers in a Small Room horror movies. It’s a film about a circle of fifty humans, trapped in a room, unable to move for the fear of being zapped! So, some aliens or whatever (I’m not ruining it, there’s no big reveal or anything) play a game to find out who will be the last standing. Each minute a person dies, and it can be at random, chosen by the person themselves, or voted on by the rest of the group, eventually resulting in an assumed person who deserves to be the last one standing. There’s a few things I was looking forward to- the fast-paced action of the movie that would undoubtedly up the stress and tension, and this movie seemed quite different than the others as it had an array of people such as the elderly, children, a pregnant woman, a man missing an arm, all sorts of human-types. Unfortunately, you can’t have a bunch of people standing around arguing for the entire movie and then not have any real ending. The end of the game is smart, yes, but after that, it just is a pile of garbage. Disappointing.

 

photo credit: http://zombieapocalypse.net

Film Face-off: New Year’s Evil (1980) vs Terror Train (1980)

There are a few New Year’s Eve- themed horrors out there, but none of them look astounding. Here are the best two in a face-off against each other! Both have creepy masks, both are from the eighties, and both available to watch for free on YouTube!

New_Years_Evil

New Year’s Evil (1980)

Score: 3.5/10

Length: 90

Rating: R

Language: English

Categories: 80s, holiday, murderer

You know I love a good theme, so bring on 2016, the champagne, and this movie (which I shockingly have never seen before).  This one starts off strong with some intense eighties blush. It’s about a dance and music show host who gets a call while working New Year’s Eve from a stranger with a comically stupid voice. (Yes he’s talking into a voice-changing device, but it’s ridiculous nonetheless). He does’t have a vote for best song, but he does have New Year’s resolution to commit murder- and it’s going to be someone the host knows. What ends up happening, is that the stranger kills someone she knows each hour, with the intent on killing the host on New Year’s Day. There isn’t much of a story behind the killer (as in most slashers, unfortunately) and the ending, though realistic, is not memorable. The only thing I’m really left thinking about is all of the bad eighties rock music I just had to sit through.

 

terror-train-groucho-killer

Terror Train (1980)

Score: 5/10

Length: 97

Rating: R

Language: English

Categories: 80s, holiday, murderer

The title doesn’t elude to any holiday high jinks, but this film is about a bunch of aspiring doctors and their college friends who are trapped on a train with a killer during a New Year’s Eve costume party. I quite enjoyed the idea of being stuck in a small space with no where to go and the story was creative while still being feasible. The “awkward sexual encounter that turns you into a serial killer” thing is really old, but this was also made in the eighties while I was busy not existing for six years after this film was released. The Groucho mask was creepy, the acting is fairly well-done, and you can’t go wrong with Jaime Lee Curtis as the heroine (in yet another JLC slasher), and David Copperfield playing the magician. I appreciated that the killer changed into the costumes of the victims (kept things interesting) and there were a few twists throughout to throw you off. Overall, it’s not too bad! A lot more entertaining and original than I thought it was going to be. Definitely the winner of this battle!

 

photo credits: http://basementrejects.com, http://dorkshelf.com, http://crypticrock.com