Death Bed: The Bed That Eats (1977)

Score: 7/10

Length: 77

Rating: R

Language: English

Categories: 70s, murderer, demon, haunted house, recommended, good-bad, horror comedy

I can’t believe I have never heard of this movie. It is FANTASTIC. It’s about a killer bed that eats people, but not in the way you might imagine- it creates this sort of yellow, soda-foam bubbles that suck the object or person into the bed. You’d assume also that the bubbles are flesh-deteriorating chemicals, however, the bed makes loud crunching sounds when it eats. First, we see it eating some wine and chicken wings, and then some people trying to have sex. You know even before the title appears that this movie is going to be pure awesomeness. To add a side dish to your meal of weird, there is also a boy, trapped behind a painting in the wall, who has to hear all the horrors of the bed. In a voice that sounds like Stewie Griffin, he makes comments to the bed and himself for most of the movie. We also randomly hear the thoughts of a few of the other characters. Another strange thing is that no one screams except the bed devil. They just make struggle noises. And believe it or not, this movie isn’t even labelled as a comedy. It’s pure horror genre which makes it even more hilarious. Surprisingly, even though this film was completed in 1977, it wasn’t released until 2003, and I have no idea why. What I’m thinking is, the director thought it was a great movie, and then someone told him how bad it actually was, and he hid it away in shame for years. Then maybe, some people from the Hoarders TV show came by his house to clean, found a copy of this film, watched it secretly, and then convinced Mr. Barry to share his art with the world. The story focuses around three women, but the bed is also shown eating various other people and objects. The history of the bed is told in detail and the entire movie is pretty much narrated by thoughts. There is one scene that is incredibly painful to watch, where one of the girls struggles for what feels like years, to get free of the bed and then pull herself and her bloody legs up the stairs. But there weren’t too many bad parts otherwise. This movie was unique, simple, strange, and it’s shame it took so long to come out. It’s spectacular for the sound effects alone. Both me and my bed enjoyed it!

 

photo credit: https://rhandawatches.files.wordpress.com/

10 Cloverfield Lane (2016)

Score: 6.5/10*

Length: 103

Rating: PG-13

Language: English

Categories: 2000s, recent, murderer, monster, alien, underground

Wow. I just saw how long this movie is (an hour and fourty-three minutes), and I’m so surprised. It really didn’t feel that long. I went in knowing little to nothing about this film, except that I didn’t like its related feature, Cloverfield (for obvious shaky cam reasons). I also was aware, however, that even though it shared a similar title, it was a much different story. I appreciated the coincidence of the title and that green time of month, so I figured I’d give it a try in a smaller theatre with my purse full of cheese danishes from Sunterra. This film quite reminded me of my experience with District 9: on the guyish side, but I definitely wasn’t bored. I liked the characters and the small space they were confined to. I enjoyed their dynamic and the tension scattered throughout. My favorite thing about this triller-horror was the back and forth ways my mind was pulled. Is there really something going on outside or is this guy just nuts? The ending is a let down. It’s not a horrible conclusion, but it’s optimistic and boring, and I was hoping for a bleak ending or a cliff-hanger to really tie it all together. There were a few plot holes and useless lines, but it’s a very likable movie. As I mentioned, I went to see this film knowing virtually nothing about it, and I’d recommend doing it that way, but if not: it’s about a woman who crashes her car and is taken in by an army veteran and his carpenter. She is told there is a deadly chemical attack outside and they are safe in his bunker, but the captive soon begins to think it’s all in her capture’s head and plans her escape.

*film friend gave it a 7(ish)

 

photo: http://media.themalaymailonline.com

The Uninvited (2009)

Score: 5/10

Length: 87

Rating: PG-13

Language: English

Categories: 2000s, psychological, murderer, ghost, cabin, almost-horror

I didn’t realize until almost the very end of this movie, that it was an American remake of A Tale of Two Sisters, a film I watched less than two weeks ago. I picked up on the sister twist early on, but these two movies felt so different, perhaps because this one was so easy to follow. This version feels like it’s more of a thriller-drama, and I really missed the closeness between the sisters that was in the original Korean film. This one gets a lower score because of both the lack intimacy and lack of horror. Funny enough, I’ve even actually seen this movie before. I knew I had, but I couldn’t remember it, and movies such as this one is the whole reason I started writing this blog- so I wouldn’t accidentally watch the same movie twice. The title really has nothing to do with anything at all, it seems a better fit for a vampire movie. These films of different names both focus around psychology and ghosts, which you’d assume is a good combination, but the all the scary parts of psychology are somehow numbed by the supernatural plot line. I mean, I believe in ghosts, but there’s something different about diseases of the mind, it’s a different type of scary. This film is about a girl who returns from an institution to live with her dad and his girlfriend who she blames for the fire that killed her mother. Along with her sister, she fights to prove an evil history of murder and adultery is to blame for her series of unfortunate events.

See the review for A Tale of Two Sisters here: https://earlymorninghorrorreviews.wordpress.com/2016/03/14/a-tale-of-two-sisters-2003/

 

photo credit: http://moviemansguide.com

Leprechaun (1993)

Score: 3/10

Length: 92

Rating: R

Language: English

Categories: 90s, murderer, holiday, horror comedy, good-bad, slasher

It’s hard to believe. Not the leprechaun, but that Jennifer Aniston starred in this hilarious horror only one year before appearing on Friends. Her acting isn’t too shabby, and this good-bad movie is a lot less cheesy than I thought it would be. But I honestly wish it was a little more goofy and that the kill scenes were ridiculous, as expected, but not delivered. The movie is obviously about a leprechaun, one that was released from his box, and one who goes on a killing spree in order to recover his gold. Now, this dried-apple-faced little dude is all over the place. Instead of randomly killing people with his hands or whatever he can find, it would have been more fun if the leprechaun had one signature way of murdering. Preferably with his green magic sprinkles melting their faces or even something to do with rainbows! If this were the case, I probably would have at least given the movie a 5. Overall, it wasn’t too painful, and  I did enjoy the end when they “killed” him with a four leaf clover, threw him down a well, and then lit that well on fire. I’ll probably watch a few more of the installments next St Paddy’s Day, namely the fifth movie: Leprechaun in the Hood.

 

photo credit: http://cdn.bloody-disgusting.com

Masters of Horror: Dream Cruise

Masters of Horror is a 2000s television series with a different director for each of the thirteen episodes in the season, running about an hour long.

Directed by: Norio Tsuruta (Ringu 0. Scarecrow, Premonition)

Evil Category: murderous shipmaster and his glowing ghost ex-wife

Score: one out of five sinking ghost ships

It was a little hard to watch this after the guy got on the boat. I mean, you’re a grown man. You don’t want to get on the boat? Then don’t. The acting is really bad, probably the worst I’ve seen in this series so far. The director and writers (besides Mick Garris) are all Japanese, and looking at the director’s past movies, I assume it might have something to do with an English script. Okay, let’s be real, I’m just trying to make excuses for the shitacular lines this episode has. It starts off, seemingly, as a story about past and present murder, but then ends up being a Ringlike ghost story with a green ghost set out for revenge. But even the ghost vs ghost storyline doesn’t make it good, and we’re left with yet another adult Goosebumps episode. It’s about a man who is haunted by memories of the brother he is not able to save. He gets on a ship with a business partner, but soon learns that the client knows he is sleeping with his wife and things get awkward. The ghost of the captain’s ex-wife also haunts the boat (just recently, even though it’s clear he’s been on the boat for some time) and seeks to kill the adulterers.

 

photo credit: www.dreadcentral.com

The Witch (2016)

Score: 6.5/10*

Length: 92

Rating: R (but the ticket booth said 14A)

Language: English

Categories: 2000s, recent, spoilers, witch, woods, religious, murderer, psychological, devil, based on true events

This review is going to be filled with spoilers in a plea that someone who understands this movie might explain things to me. Or maybe there are no answers, I’m just trying to make this into a good movie because I wanted it so badly to be good. So as you know, it’s about a family in the forest who begins to suffer evils and are driven mad, ultimately forcing them to play the blame game. All because of a witch. It is tense. It does build well. The acting is memorable and impactful. It’s creepy, it’s uncomfortable, it’s beautiful, and you won’t forget its unique story based on “true” events. But either I’m missing something, or there’s a ton of plot holes that make no sense. Here we go with my list:

• Why were the twins in this movie? They do nothing, and where do they go in the end?
• Was the girl a witch all along, or is she just excited about chilling with all these floating naked ladies?
• Why is the rabbit representative of the witch, and why is nothing done with this presumption?
• Why did the witch use the baby, but return a child after cursing him to die?
• What was the point of the goat being a demon or whatever? Why did it only turn into a man for a few seconds? Why did the twins talk to him before anyone else?
• Is there only one witch the entire time? Why are there several suddenly in the forest?
• Why is the title spelled with two V’s?

Phew, okay, I think I’m done. I also respected that the language was true-to-time, but I had to concentrate on understanding what they’re saying half the time. I barely understand Coronation Street and my blood is partly British. As I think back, there were so many things to like about this movie. But the ending just seemed ridiculous, and I left feeling like I ordered a poutine and they forgot the gravy.

*The friend I saw this with also gave it a 6.5/10.

 

photo credit: http://www.shocktillyoudrop.com

A Tale of Two Sisters (2003)

Score: 6.5/10

Length: 115

Rating: R

Language: Korean

Categories: 2000s, Asian, foreign, ghost, psychological, asylum

I Saw the Devil‘s Jee-woon Kim is the writer and director of this popular Asian film which starts off by taking its sweet time to unveil what exactly is going on. I can’t say I wasn’t on the edge of your seat within fifteen minutes of the movie, however. It slows down in the middle and takes a breather, but in the unraveling stages, the story gets a little complex, and I’m left with a lot of questions. Running at almost two hours long, I was searching for scenes to cut, but I didn’t find much to hack at. The film was well shot and although long, it wasn’t overly boring. Besides the obvious theme of revenge and insanity, the movie enjoys a repetition of creaking doors, slow footsteps, and shallow breathing. About sisters who, upon returning from the hospital, cause tension and anxiety with their stepmother and father. (Which I found confusing, as I swear one of the girls said it was her uncle at the beginning of the film). The first twist is pretty guessable, but then shortly after you are pummeled with smaller twists bringing up the energy of the film for its ending. I decided to watch this movie while eating sushi for a theme night, but I quickly discovered it was Korean. I wasn’t too disappointed though, Korean horror films are right up with there with Japanese flicks of the same genre. I have a feeling that if this was in English, it might feel less tangled and overwhelming. Maybe it will be the next American remake!

 

 

photo credit: https://i.ytimg.com

High Tension (2003)

Score: 8/10

Length: 91

Rating: Unrated, but obviously R

Language: French

Categories: 2000s, murderer, woods, gore porn, slasher, psychological, recommended

I’m going to blow both our minds by saying… I liked this movie!! It’s been so long since I actually recommended a movie, and not just because it was good-bad. I love the blatant title. It’s real and honest, and simple. I avoided this movie for some time because I thought it’d be rapey, but it’s not at all! It’s twisty, bloody, and your heart will be pounding like the bass in the apartment next door. It has the suspense level of a thriller movie, but it’s definitely a horror with spurts of gore and lots of slashings. I’m really impressed. It’s a French film that you can get English-dubbed, and it doesn’t take away from the movie at all. In fact, beautiful Marie’s accent is quite adorable and I’m sure her acting would be spot-on either way. Her story starts when she goes to stay at her girlfriend’s family home, and the vacation is disrupted by a brutal killer that Marie and Alex must escape from. It’s your usual slasher for the most part, but it does such a fantastic job keeping the viewer engaged because you want so badly for Marie to escape, seeing that you have to follow her each step of the way. I don’t want to say too much about the film besides that I really appreciated it and I learned some useful tips in hiding from a killer. There’s not a ton of bad-ass women in horror, but Marie knocks it out of the park.

 

photo credit: http://themovieman-bennyjayruss.blogspot.ca

All The Boys Love Mandy Lane (2006)

Score: 4/10

Length: 90

Rating: R

Language: English

Categories: 2000s, murderer, woods (more like field), slasher, cabin

This is one of those movies where you are given something different than you’d expect, but it isn’t overly exciting. I figured it would be some sort of revenge fantasy, but it’s your typical slasher. A group of teens go to stay at a ranch (including the beautiful, virginal Mandy Lane), and they get killed off one by one. The killer is pretty obvious, and the twists don’t create much drama. There isn’t really much of an interesting story line or motive, and although it kept me entertained, there was nothing at all special about the film. The movie itself felt very indie art house because of the way it was filmed and the soundtrack chosen. I wish there was as much creativity put into the script as there was put into the shots. I also wish the tension escalated instead of being constant as I just sat there tense as the teens did happy things in a horror movie until people started getting killed.

 

photo credit:  http://www.ew.com/

Tale of Tales (2015)

Score: 4.5/10

Length: 125

Rating: Unrated

Language: English

Categories: recent, murderer, monster, almost horror, witch

Tale of Tales, originally known as Il Racconto dei Racconti holds three different stories all driven by love and obsession. It pains me to give it such a low rating, for although it is beautiful- stunning even- the characters are unlikable and the movie moves slowly forcing me to cringe both at the awkward fairy tales as well as the dullness of the film. All three stories are just so strange, it’s a shame such costumes and scenery were wasted in this dark, dreamy, disappointment.

The first fable is about an infertile queen who calls upon a man of magic to guide her to the birth of her child. Her husband dies trying to kill a dragon and the queen takes the dragon’s heart home to eat as instructed by the sorcerer. She gives birth to an albino son, but so does the virgin who boiled the heart. The queen is jealous of the son’s bond (they look exactly the same) and she tries to kill the other child. This is the best one of the three simply because it stars Selma Hayek and it feels the least uncomfortable to watch.

A horny king falls in love with a maiden’s voice, but unfortunately, she hides with her sister in a house and refuses to let him see her. Most likely because they are both wrinkly and ancient. One of the sisters tricks the king, sleeps with him, and then gets kicked out of the castle. Then, a witch in the forest makes her young and she reunites with the king, soon becoming queen. The other sister find out and wants to be part of her sister’s royal life and everything gets even more awkward from there.

The third story is about yet another king who becomes obsessed with a flea and nurturing it over his own daughter. The flea grows into giant fleshy bug and then dies. The king has its skin stretched out and mounted, and then he challenges the men of the village to guess the animal it came from. An ugly ogre guesses correctly and the king follows through with his reward- the princess. The ogre takes the princess into the mountains where she cries all the time and tries to escape.

The tales aren’t connected by anything but royalty, and there isn’t really much of an ending. To be honest, I remember the ending of the last story, but not the other two. The best way to describe this movie is to think of a beautiful cake that is dry and bland on the inside.

 

photo credit: www.comingsoon.net