The Possession of Hannah Grace (2018)

Score: 4/10

Length: 86

Rating: R

Language: English

Categories: 2000s, recent, demon, underground, murder

Well, here we have yet another demonic possession movie with an innocent Suzie, or Sarah Anne, or Elizabeth Mary or whatever. This one features our determined heroine taking on a new job in a morgue. Everyone is skeptical of the pills she takes/ doesn’t take, and she starts to hear and see strange new things in the morgue. No one trusts her, everyone thinks she’s crazy… typical. Even when the random guy breaks in and screams about a body not being dead, no one pays attention to our girl. The tension in the beginning of the movie where only little things are happening kind of got my hopes up, but the rest was just a crackly demon-girl following people around and killing them. It lost all scare, really, and became super predictable, finishing off with an extremely corny ending. Like we care about your “journey”. No one had any background to them anyway. Even with decent make-up and acting, and a fantastic setting, I think this is one to be buried in the DVD bin (if this was Walmart, five years ago.)

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Top Ten: The Simpsons, Treehouse of Horror Episodes

Since season two, The Simpsons have had a Halloween episode. Some are hilarious and fantastic, some are meh, and some are immediately forgotten. In each episode, the family remakes three or four popular (usually horror or sci-fi) movies. As an added touch, even the names in the credits are altered for Halloween. These are my favorite Treehouse of Horror episodes based on my personal tastes. It took me a lot of rewatching and narrowing down, but I’ve finally decided on my top ten (twelve).

Rank: 10
Episode: XX 21×04
Intro: Classic Monsters Halloween Party
Segments: “Dial ‘M’ for Murder or Press ‘#’ to Return to Main Menu”, “Don’t Have a Cow, Mankind”, “There’s No Business Like Moe Business”
Summary: In black and white, Bart proposes a “criss-cross” with Lisa to kill each other’s enemy. Krusty Burger’s new creation turns Springfield into zombies. A musical of mostly Moe making beer with Homer’s blood.

 

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Rank: 9
Episode: XXI 22×04
Intro: Bart vs Homer presented by Professor Frink, The Monster Office
Segments: “War and Pieces”, “Master and Cadaver”, “Tweenlight”
Summary: Bart and Milhouse are sucked into a board game world. Marge and Homer rescue a man on their boat vacation but end up having a change of heart. Lisa meets the vampire boy of her dreams and introduces him to the family.

 

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Rank: 8
Episode: XXV 26×04
Intro: Kudos and Kang Celebrity-style
Segments: “School is Hell”, “A Clockwork Yellow”, “The Others”
Summary: Bart excels in hell-school. Homer, Moe, and friends form a gang and terrorize the town in white outfits. The Simpsons’ house is haunted by ghosts of their former selves.

 

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Rank: 7
Episode: XXVIII 29×04
Intro: 3D Simpsons Candy Bars
Segments: “The Exor-Sis”, “Coralisa”, “Mmm… Homer”
Summary: Maggie becomes possessed after she is given a demon statue. Lisa finds a magical tunnel which leads to a secret family with button eyes. Homer develops a taste…for himself.

 

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Rank: 6
Episode: IX 10×04
Intro: Main Intro Murder Bits
Segments: “Hell Toupée”, “The Terror of Tiny Toon”, “Starship Poopers”
Summary: Homer gets a hair transplant and becomes possessed by the hair’s former owner, Snake. Bart and Lisa are transformed characters on TV while watching Itchy and Scratchy. Maggie’s true, tentacled identify and father are revealed.

 

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Rank: 5
Episode: II 03×07
Intro: Marge Presents, Gravestones, Too Much Candy
Segments: “Lisa’s Nightmare”, “Bart’s Nightmare”, “Homer’s Nightmare”
Summary: An old monkey’s paw grants three wishes with terrible consequences. Bart is a gifted child who can read minds and has the power to turn people into strange creatures. Mr. Burns and Smithers make a robot with Homer’s brain.

 

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Rank: 4
Episode: I 02×03
Intro: Marge Presents, Gravestones, The Simpsons Kids Tell Treehouse Stories
Segments: “Bad Dream House”, “Hungry are the Damned”, “The Raven”
Summary: The Simpsons’ new mansion wants them out. After the Simpsons are abducted by aliens, they fear they are outer space food. The classic Edgar Allen Poe story is told by Homer.

 

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Rank: 3
Episode: VIII 09×04
Intro: Fox Censor, Death Penalty Simpsons
Segments: “The HΩmega Man”, “Fly vs. Fly”, “Easy-Bake Coven”
Summary: Homer is the last man on Earth… besides the lepers. Bart switches bodies with a fly when Homer buys a matter transporter at a garage sale. Marge and her sisters are tried as witches in Salem.

 

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Rank: 2
Episode: XII 13×01
Intro: Burns’ Bat
Segments: “Hex and the City”, “House of Whacks”, “Wiz Kids”
Summary: A gypsy curses Homer, and bearded Marge attends a leprechaun’s wedding. The family is sold a futuristic robot-house which is determined to rid of Homer. Bart and Lisa attend Wizard school and fight the dragon, Mr. Burns.

 

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Rank: 1
Episode: V 06×06
Intro: Marge Presents, Graveyard Deaths, FrankenSimpsons
Segments: “The Shinning”, “Time and Punishment”, “Nightmare Cafeteria”
Summary: The Simpsons are caretakers at a lodge where Homer goes insane and Groundskeeper Willy tries to save the family. Homer tries to fix a toaster and accidentally creates a time travel machine. The school cafeteria decides to spice up the menu with new kinds of meat to solve the detention capacity issue.

 

 

Honorable Mention

I wanted to include these episodes as, although they contain my least favorite segments, they’re still some of the best and they deserve to be included.

 

Episode: VI 07×06
Intro: Sleepy Hollow Krusty, Hung Simpsons
Segments: “Attack of the 50-Foot Eyesores”, “Nightmare on Evergreen Terrace”, “Homer³”
Summary: Giant mascots come to life and terrorize the town. Groundskeeper Willy kills in various forms in The Simpson kids’ dreams. Homer finds a portal behind a bookcase which transports him to a dimension where he is 3D.

Episode: IV 12×01
Intro: The Munsters
Segments: “G-G-Ghost D-D-Dad”, “Scary Tales Can Come True”, “Night of the Dolphin”
Summary: Homer’s horoscope predicts death by broccoli, and his ghost is forced to do a good dead in order to get to heaven. The Simpsons version of Hansel and Gretel. The dolphins plot revenge and take over Springfield.

 

 

 

 

Attack of the Killer Donuts (2016)

Score: 2.5/10

Length: 98

Rating: NR

Language: English

Categories: 2000s, food, murderer, horror comedy, almost horror, good bad

So I had braved the ice-wind to get some donuts from Tim’s. It’s not like they’re the best donuts or anything, but they’re right around the corner and Modern Jelly was closed for delivery. Although this review was started way back in winter, I still remember my numb hands frozen into a claw trying to carry this wide, flat box around the corner to my apartment. The donuts in the movie aren’t overly horror-influenced, even though they’re supposed to have tiny little flesh-ripping teeth. Besides the parts where the pastries are CGI, spinning and floating in the air, the donuts mostly spend their time looking like they’re being flung by humans, at humans. (Which us the obvious truth.) This is another cheap and corny horror flick that has a mildly fun idea that’s wasted on a lazy, humorless hour and a half of film. The cuteness is pretty watered down, and I’d be satisfied from just watching the trailer and nothing more. On the plus side, I got to pig out on donuts, and there ain’t nothing bad about that.

 

Top Ten Horror-Comedies

I may love French romance-comedies and horrors of all sorts, but horror-comedy is my true favorite genre. So as you can imagine, it was really hard to narrow it down to just ten fantastic films. I could have easily done twenty, but I like a challenge. This list is not of the movies I think deserve to be labelled as the best per se, but they are my personal choices based on preference. (Which is why you might see a lack of zombie movies on here. There are great movies out there, but I just want a very small teaspoon of zombie in my horror cereal.) Here are my favorite, funniest, fright-filled films accompanied by their snack pairings, because nothing goes better together than fear, laughter, and sugar.

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10. Dead Alive or Braindead (1992)

I don’t even know quite how to describe this movie, but there are definitely some very scarring scenes included in this memorable monstrocity. Zombies, rats, blood, gore, and disgusting monster babies… this is for sure one to watch on a first date.

Snacks: Well, to be honest, probably nothing, but chips sound like a safe option.

Sharknado trailer (Screengrab)

9. Snarknado (2013)

Lame CGI, C-list actors, and a ridiculous plot- this one’s got it all! Several spin offs were created based on this films crazy, creature creation. It doesn’t really make any sense, but it’s action-packed and loads of fun to see these over-dramatic actors battle sharks whipping around in a tornado.

Snacks: if you don’t live in Iceland and can’t get fermented shark, try a shark or whale-shaped candy instead from your local 711.

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8. The Gingerdead Man (2005)

One of my favorite Christmas movies, if not just for the title of the original, and more importantly, the sequels (Passion of the Crust, Saturday Night Cleaver). Gary Busey is a serial-killer-turned-cookie who creepily, and kind of cutely, stalks the girl who sent him to the electric chair. It’s barely over an hour, so it’s not much to chew through.

Snacks: gingerbread men, obviously, and perhaps a holiday beverage of sorts

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7. Scary Movie (1996)

This is an iconic nineties movie that mocks a bunch of classic, popular horror movies. It spawned loads of other comedy copycat films that were all pretty bad cheese-fests, but a few have the potential to squeeze a laugh out of you. This film in particular pokes fun at Scream, I Know What You Did Last Summer, The Blair Witch, The Exorcist, and a whole slew of others including unscary films as well. Holding it all together is a story about a teenager being stalked by a slasher-killer.

Snacks: I’d be funny and say mashed potatoes (from the scene in Scary Movie 2), but I’d also like to recommend a snack you’re actually going to eat, so how about Jiffy Pop and a batch of special brownies.

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6. Cabin in the Woods (2012)

This quirky, sarcastic, horror movie turned out to be a surprise hit. It’s the usual crew of young adults vacationing at a cabin in the woods. I’m not going to ruin anything, but if you know nothing about this film, I suggest you watch it continuing to know nothing about it beforehand. It’s imaginative and unexpected at every turn. The only downfall to the movie is the cheesy ending cushioned by an appearance by Sigourney Weaver.

Snacks: a good old-fashioned pizza with loads of various toppings

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5. Killer Klowns From Outer Space, 1988

Kooky karnivals klowns kausing kalamity. Characters straight off a poster and whimsical sci-fi make this lesser-known movie a kult klassic. It’s bad, but it’s also good. Nothing beats silly alien-clowns who cause havoc and terror with their popcorn guns and deadly cream pies.

Snacks: Kotton kandy and ice kream

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4. Dead Snow (Dod Sno), 2009

Another one I saw at film festival, and I’m ashamed to say that even though I OWN the second one, I still haven’t gotten around to seeing it. Here, nazi zombies (that are actually scary af) attack a group of young adults staying at a ski lodge. Dumb and extreme decisions are made, somehow resulting in laugh-out-loud hilarity. These zombies aren’t dummies that are falling apart, they’re determined, undead, soldiers on a mission. Yikes.

Snacks: hot chocolate

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3. What We Do in the Shadows, 2014

Probably one of my favorite movies of the decade- it was genuinely funny and creative, and unfortunately, that was pretty shocking to me. I wouldn’t think I’d be attracted to a film that can be described as a documentary about vampires living in New Zealand. But the characters are lovable and hilarious, the story could carry on for decades without letting go of your interest, and there is just nothing to hate about this heart warming, blood-sucking, horror-themed comedy.

Snack: fries (“chips”) or spaghetti (“worms”)

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2. The Rocky Horror Picture Show, 1975

An iconic cult film that I’m saddened is not on Broadway yet. A couple arrives to a castle where a transvestite and his alien assistants create a man, host a party, kill a biker, and sing a lot of sexy songs. It’s a musical that’s fun for everyone fun. There’s nothing better than a movie theatre or bar event where everyone dresses up and throws half of their props in the air. Look forward to a purse full of uncooked rice.

Snack: hot dogs (frankenfurters) and Hot Lips candies

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1. Troll 2, 1990 (alongside Best Worst Movie)

I saw Best Worst Movie at a film festival and then fell in love with the ridiculousness that is Troll 2 shortly afterwards. It has absolutely nothing to do with Troll 1 and the trolls are called Goblins… the words troll isn’t heard once. The town is named Nilbog, which is Goblin spelled backwards, and the goblins turn people into plant goop because they’re vegetarians. In a land where popcorn fills sexy trailers and hospitality is literally pissed on, anything can happen in this mean, green, horror-comedy machine.

Snack: corn on the cob, popcorn, green jello, green cupcakes, milk, anything vegetarian

 

Title image from House IV, another fantastic horror comedy.

Children of the Corn (1984)

Score: 3.5/10

Length: 92

Rating: R

Language: English

Categories: 80s, murderer, Stephen Kingy, religious

First of all, did you know there are EIGHT of these films?! I haven’t seen them all, but I bet not one of them is good. I’m excited to watch movie six which is referred to as number 666 where John Franklin aka Isaac, is back as… an older adult. The original film is about a religious cult of children, led by a large-mouthed redhead and a strange little man-child (who was twenty-three in this movie playing a pre-teen), who kill adults. I mean, children are kind of scary. Look how many movies feature ghost-children. And religious cults are pretty awful as well. So there is truly potential outside of the funny food title. But, unfortunately, there’s the ending that crumbles like a stale cookie with awful green sparkly CGI and actual fire animation, repetitive angry troll-yelling, and a horribly corny script. Not to say that the rest of the movie was fantastic or anything, but it’s certainly memorable, and although not the most popular, it is a treasured horror classic.  Great to eat with some corn on the cob, popcorn, kettle corn, caramel corn, corn chowder or even candy corn if you must.

I chose to review this movie as it has something to do with one of my Halloween costumes. 😉

Crimson Peak (2015)

Score: 5/10

Length: 119

Language: English

Categories: 2000s, recent, ghost, murderer, haunted house

As expected, this film is visually stunning but not scary at all. If you go into it thinking it’s more of a fantasy drama, you’ll be a lot less disappointed. It’s about a girl who falls in love with an older, creepier guy who has a very possessive sister. They move into his old, creepy house and she soon discovers the secrets of the family and their ghosts who dwell in the house. The ghosts have this smoke surrounding them like they’re on fire, and they’re so over-processed and digital looking; it sucks all of the horror right out of the image. I’m reminded of the black CGI blob in House on Haunted Hill, and Hades from Disney’s Hercules. Del Toro has made a few fantastic films, but he really hasn’t got a grasp on how to build tension and make a movie truly scary. I mean, I appreciated the originality of the story and the costumes were breathtaking, but it just didn’t work as a horror movie.

photo credit: http://d.fastcompany.net/

The Stuff (1985)

Score: 6.5/10

Length: 87

Language: English

Categories: 80s, sci-fi, horror-comedy, murderer, almost horror, good bad

I was saving this little gem for when I was able to get some good, white yogurt that resembled “the stuff”. I picked out some banana caramel (surprisingly not yellowy) Greek yogurt and spoon fed myself this fun little eighties bite of magic. Michael Moriarty is our likable 007 hero, but you also get to see a younger “Earl” from 2 Broke Girls, whose name in the movie is… Chocolate Chip.This film is about an alien goop that is marketed as dessert, but becomes addictive and then kills you from the inside. It features a few lame kill-scenes of awesomeness and charming characters. It’s also probably the inspiration for Goosebumps’ Monster Blood series and Scary Movie. The only thing that makes absolutely no sense to me is why they keep trying to burn the Jet Puffed. Are they trying to make s’mores?

photo credit: http://static1.1.sqspcdn.com/static/f/627490/18057296/1336344574933/the+stuff.jpg

Dumplings (2004)

Score: 6.5/10

Length: 91

Language: Mandarin, Cantonese

Categories: Asian, 2000s, foreign, cannibalism

I watched the short of this movie in 3 Extremes (reviewed here: https://earlymorninghorrorreviews.wordpress.com/2015/02/21/three-extremes-2004/), and really enjoyed it. It seems that in order for the film to be extended, a bigger storyline was given to each character, especially the husband. The vain actress still goes to see Aunt Mei for her infamous dumplings which are promised to restore youth. But the husband finds out the secret ingredient of the dumplings and after sexing both his wife and his mistress, he spends some awkward heated sexy time confronting Aunt Mei. I was annoyed that the story was revealed at the very start instead of easing into it, and although I liked the change in the ending, I preferred the creepiness in the original over the revenge plot.

photo credit: http://images.viralnova.com/000/088/417/desktop-1414688729.jpg

Pizza (2014)

Score: 7/10 (for people wanting a scary horror, 5/10)

Length: 107

Language: Hindi

Categories: 2000s, recent, foreign, almost- horror, ghost

This is an amazing Bollywood movie about pizza if you love Bollywood. And it doesn’t really matter if you like pizza or not. But you better like phones, because there are tonnes of them ringing and being answered constantly. The entire movie is an ad for phones. It’s about a handsome pizza boy who lives in an adorable apartment with his pregnant girlfriend. One night, on a pizza delivery, he enters a haunted house. That’s all I really want to tell you about it, because as many dramatic B-wood films, it has a wonderful twist and story. Not really horror, per se, but quirky and creative, and worth a shot. Really a shame I didn’t get to see it in 3D, what a full package that would have been. Best line in the film: “Boss has his fingers in many pies. Who knows what toppings he’s offered to which gods!”

photo credit:http://mastitube.cc/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/pizza-3d-hindi-movie.jpg

Top Ten Horror Movies About Food

Food plays a main role in each of these delicious films, paired with a trailer and dinner suggestions.

1. Matango: Attack of the Mushroom People (1963) {Japanese}

Young adults are shipwrecked and end up on an island where they eat the mushrooms and then turn into mushroom people.

Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cqaslCGn-6w

Best Served With: Just raw mushrooms and some ranch. If that’s not your thing, mushroom pizza or shitake sashimi.

2. Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (1978), Return of the Killer Tomatoes (1988)

Scientists try to save the world from mutant tomatoes.

Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txfdGlxEsG8

Best Served With: tomato soup and grilled cheese or bocconcini salad

3. The Gingerdead Man (2005), Gingerdead Man 2: The Passion of the Crust (2008), Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver (2011), Gingerdeadman vs Evil Bong (2013) {Don’t you worry, I can’t not watch and review this one. Coming soon!}

A murderer comes back to life as a cookie.

Full review here: https://earlymorninghorrorreviews.wordpress.com/2014/12/18/the-gingerdead-man-2005/

Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JXrJIdwe8qs

Best Served With: gingerbread cookie men and milk or try a gingerbread cocktail

4. ThanksKilling (2009), 3 (2012)

A low budget movie about college kids who are terrorized by an evil killer turkey. (The cover says: Warning, boobs in the first second! So you know it’s gotta be good. Also, there is no ThanksKilling 2 which is super weird.)

Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WOjSRoxc6mg

Best Served With: turkey dinner, turkey meatloaf, turkey dogs roasted over a fire, or a turkey sub from Subway if you’re lazy

Don’t like turkey? Try Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead (2006) instead with chicken substitutions.

5. Drive Thru (2007)

Horny the Clown (can’t make this shit up), the mascot of a local burger joint, begins killing teenagers.

Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4iIC10-UjM

Best Served With: burger and fries (with lots of ketchup), coke or milkshake or coke milkshake

6. Rumah Kentang (2012) {Indonesian}

It’s about a ghost who haunts a potato house.

Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNDi9FMBl74

Best Served With: a baked potato with the works

7. Troll 2 (1990)

A bunch of gremlins force people to drink chunky milk which turns them into plant slime so they can be eaten by the vegetarian monsters.

Full review here: https://earlymorninghorrorreviews.wordpress.com/2014/10/07/troll-2-1990/

Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9KCct4RwLNM

Best Served With: green, possibly slimy vegetables (spinach, okra, etc), corn, popcorn, green jello, cakes with green icing letters
8. The Stuff (1985)

A new mass-marketed dessert turns people into sweet, white goop-craving zombies.

Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_cADzGsrXxs

Best Served With: vanilla yogurt, icecream, or even just Jet-Puffed marshmallow creme (which I totally bought once and ate with a spoon)

9. Dead Sushi (2012) {Japanese}

All sushi breaks loose after a crazy man injects a special serum into a squid, turning seafood against people at an Inn.

Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gM3t_uTGi-s

Best Served With: sushi, sashimi, or simply some tuna and rice (eat it fast, once people start barfing it up, it won’t look so good)
10. Pizza 3D (2014) {Hindi}

A delivery boy enters a haunted house. That’s all I’m going to say.

Full review here: https://earlymorninghorrorreviews.wordpress.com/2015/01/08/pizza-2014-2/

Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FGYXzAHjnUo

Best Served With: pizza, obviously (better if you can do a butter chicken or Indian pizza flavour)

Honorable Mention:

Thinner (1996) Just eat everything while you still can!

New recommended movies: Three … Extremes (2004) (segment: Dumplings), Dumplings (2004)

* Not in any particular order.

* This is not including any movies about Cannibalism, as I’ll save that for another list entirely. Plus, you can’t order human.

 

photo credit: (from Dead Sushi) http://cdn.bloody-disgusting.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/dead-sushi-exclusive.jpg