Sharktopus (2010)

Score: 3/10*

Length: 89

Rating: TV-14

Language: English

Categories: 2000s, monster, murderer, almost-horror, animal, horror comedy, painful

Your average, badly filmed, badly acted D-list film. But somehow less with a sense of humor? I didn’t notice many jokes or puns, and it was more sleazy-cheesy than knowingly ridiculous. There were lots of deaths, but I wanted more, and I wanted more creativity than the shark using its tentacles to snap up gals in bikinis. And I don’t remember the last time an octopus used its tentacles to stroll around the beach, just walking around on land. The CGI is bad like you’d expect and want, but after you see the abomination a few times, you’re over it. I see why now that in the movie franchise there are new mixed creatures fighting with the sharktopus. It gets old fast, and as you realize that this movie is actually trying to put in effort, the less exciting it becomes. It’s about a government-created monster made for the military who is murdering beachgoers in Puerta Vallarta. An investigative reporter and her cameraman follow the creature as well as the daughter of the scientist and some unprepared employees who are looking to put a stop to the seafood madness. It was a bit difficult to continuously pay attention to this film without wanting to look at my phone, but I will for sure be watching the other entries in the series.

*All points are for the idea of the sharktopus in general.

The Girl in the Photographs (2015)

Score: 2/10

Length: 95

Rating: R

Language: English

Categories: 2000s, recent, Painful Movie Mondays, murderer, slasher

This is a bad movie. I’m not even going to dance around it. I have no idea why Wes Craven produced this nonsense. It’s a horror American Apparel ad with Kal Penn as the douchey, famous photographer. He is “sexually inspired” by a killer-photographer who takes pictures of his victims. Real original. So the ass-hat goes after the murderer’s muse, because he wants to work with her first. Nonsensical. The killers were creepy, but that’s really the only thing the movie has going for it. No tension, bad music choices, bad character choices. Why were they trying so hard to make the characters funny? All of them were hard to watch. This is supposed to be a slasher film, kind of Screamlike, but it’s just a mess, and I was not at all sad when anyone died. The slashings were fine-lots of blood. But it’s like eating moldy toast with jam. Doesn’t really matter how good the jam is.

The Darkness (2016)

Score: 3.5/10

Length: 92

Rating: PG-13

Language: English

Categories: 2000s, recent, devil, supernatural, underground

This is nothing I haven’t seen before. A family goes on a trip in the canyons, a boy brings back some ancient relics and brings the demons home with him. The story isn’t too bad, but there is absolutely no tension and it just wasn’t executed well. AKA no scares. A little too all over the place for my liking with the black hand prints, and the runes, and dogs and such. I did really appreciate that there were minimal CGI effects and the demons were blurry, shadowing figures, only giving away the outline of their animal shape. But that was about all I was thankful for. I didn’t expect a lot from a movie with Kevin Bacon and Paul ‘Mad About You’ Rieser, and I got just what I expected. The final scene making sure we are aware the family lives happily ever after is the worst part of all. The mix of the ancient devil monsters and the black ink-obsession doesn’t seem to mix well, and I am hopeful that the ideas, separated, might make two decent movies, but unfortunately, that’s not what I watched today.

 

photo credit: https://www.youtube.com/

Emelie (2015)

Score: 2/10

Length: 80

Rating: NR

Language: English

Categories: 2000s, recent, murderer, SPOILERS, almost horror, Painful Movie Mondays

I’m just going to come out and say it… waste of my time. Guess what would probably happen in a movie where the babysitter is strange and wants to steal one of the kids. That’s exactly what happens. Odd head-games are played with the children instead of Trouble or Mousetrap, and the nanny is a taddy naughty. In the end, the older kid steps up and saves the day… blah blah blah, nothing exciting really ever happens. There are the typical less-than-stellar actors (not difficult considering three of the main bunch are children), the usual, nonsensical decisions (somehow), and your everyday, cliche, happy ending. I just can’t get over how uninspired this is for a new film. Like, at least throw in a ghost or up the creep factor at least. This isn’t a C-list movie and it’s not dorky or snort-inducing, it’s just so painfully dull that I feel like I’m watching a movie made by the kid in class who just copies everyone else. I don’t hate it, I’ve just already forgotten about it.

 

photo credit: hollywoodreporter.com

Death Bed: The Bed That Eats (1977)

Score: 7/10

Length: 77

Rating: R

Language: English

Categories: 70s, murderer, demon, haunted house, recommended, good-bad, horror comedy

I can’t believe I have never heard of this movie. It is FANTASTIC. It’s about a killer bed that eats people, but not in the way you might imagine- it creates this sort of yellow, soda-foam bubbles that suck the object or person into the bed. You’d assume also that the bubbles are flesh-deteriorating chemicals, however, the bed makes loud crunching sounds when it eats. First, we see it eating some wine and chicken wings, and then some people trying to have sex. You know even before the title appears that this movie is going to be pure awesomeness. To add a side dish to your meal of weird, there is also a boy, trapped behind a painting in the wall, who has to hear all the horrors of the bed. In a voice that sounds like Stewie Griffin, he makes comments to the bed and himself for most of the movie. We also randomly hear the thoughts of a few of the other characters. Another strange thing is that no one screams except the bed devil. They just make struggle noises. And believe it or not, this movie isn’t even labelled as a comedy. It’s pure horror genre which makes it even more hilarious. Surprisingly, even though this film was completed in 1977, it wasn’t released until 2003, and I have no idea why. What I’m thinking is, the director thought it was a great movie, and then someone told him how bad it actually was, and he hid it away in shame for years. Then maybe, some people from the Hoarders TV show came by his house to clean, found a copy of this film, watched it secretly, and then convinced Mr. Barry to share his art with the world. The story focuses around three women, but the bed is also shown eating various other people and objects. The history of the bed is told in detail and the entire movie is pretty much narrated by thoughts. There is one scene that is incredibly painful to watch, where one of the girls struggles for what feels like years, to get free of the bed and then pull herself and her bloody legs up the stairs. But there weren’t too many bad parts otherwise. This movie was unique, simple, strange, and it’s shame it took so long to come out. It’s spectacular for the sound effects alone. Both me and my bed enjoyed it!

 

photo credit: https://rhandawatches.files.wordpress.com/

We Are Still Here (2015)

Score: 3.5/10 because I’m feeling generous

Length: 84

Rating: Unrated (I’d guess 18A)

Language: English

Categories: 2000s, recent, Painful Movie Mondays, ghost, haunted house, murderer

I know I haven’t given a lot of positive reviews lately and this is partly due to the fact that holiday horrors outside of Black Christmas just aren’t that good. I was super excited to see this one- it had positive reviews and was on many people’s best of the year list. To that I say, WHY GOD WHY. I dont know how on Earth the critics at Rotten Tomatoes gave this 95%. It is NOT good. Now, the feel of the movie is fantastic. It centres around an older, likable couple, and it’s very 70s. However, it’s just another movie about an evil house, and the ghosts are CGI bullcrap. If you know of Ti West movies, this reminds me of one of his- promising, but a let-down. It’s about a couple who moves into a house with a sordid past. Every thirty years, a family must be sacrificed to the house or the whole town suffers. The previous family are a bunch of ashy ghosts, assumedly burned to death, that kill people… by burning them to death. The ghost of the couple’s dead son also talks to them randomly even though he is said to not be a part of the house’s evil spirits several times. The whole thing doesn’t make a lot of sense, and in my opinion it is just stuuuuupid. Not amused.

 

photo credit: http://cdn.collider.com

Christmas Collection: Silent Night Deadly Night (1984)

Score: 3/10

Length: 79

Rating: R

Language: English

Categories: 80s, murderer, holiday

If you like boobs, boy is this the movie for you. Aside from all the retro boob, it’s a fairly forgettable movie about a killer Santa. When he was a little boy, a man dressed as Santa killed his parents, and he ends up in an orphanage getting picked on by Mother Superior who doesn’t understand his Santaphobia. He grows up to be an attractive, seemingly level-headed young man, but then he loses it and ends up killing everyone who is being naughty (mostly people having sex). There’s nothing overly original in the film, but the idea is executed well, and it could almost be a Christmas version of It Follows. It’s just lacking creativity and something to really make it memorable. To be honest, I only watched it two days ago, and I already forget the ending. It’s watchable, but totally skippable.

photo credit: http://www.gruemonkey.com

Christmas Collection: Krampus (2015)

Score: 4.5/10*

Length: 98

Rating: PG-13

Language: English

Categories: 2000s, recent, devil, murderer, monster, Painful Movie Mondays, holiday

It’s really a shame when movies are a mess of ideas. It’s like a bunch of ideas were put into a hat and they just decided to go with all of them. See: my review of Insidious. This is a highly anticipated movie, and though I wasn’t disappointed, that doesn’t mean it was a good movie either. It’s about a little boy who wishes for a better Christmas, and instead gets Krampus and his crew of hooligans. The problem is, it felt like a scary folktale got mixed in with the campy and fun Demonic Toys. As soon as you see the first evil cookie the movie goes downhill from there. The pluses are that the acting is fantastic, the snowy, icy atmosphere created was body-temperature affecting, the ending wasn’t super happy, and it was very entertaining, I’ll give it that. On the other hand, there were tones of plot holes (the majority of the movie didn’t make much sense), weak characters, a random cartoon in the middle, and the greatness of all the details were lost in the sheer messy madness of the movie. And Krampus. He was barely in the film, and then it turns out he’s got this open-mouthed human face that reminded me of Jim Carey’s Scrooge cartoon character in The Christmas Carol. I was hoping for more of a demon goat face. If this film went the path of true horror, using only Krampus and the (actually creepy) elves, it could have had serious potential. Or even if they went the other way where it was funny and silly, and focussed around the creatures and possessed playthings. Either way, it wasn’t a winner, and I’m very curious to see how the lesser-know A Chrstimas Horror Story does.

*My friend gave it this score before knowing my opinion. My score was previously 4 as well, but I bumped it up after comparing it to the other Christmas horrors. I appreciate that they made it fun, like Gremlins.

photo credit: http://cdn1.theodysseyonline.com

Christmas Collection: Elves (1989)

Score: 3/10

Length: 89

Rating: PG-13

Language: English

Categories: 80’s, monster, murderer, holiday, Painful Movie Mondays, horror comedy

At the beginning of this so-called gem, within seconds of it starting,  a group of teenage girls say, “Get real, Kirsten”, and “Get over it, Amy”, and I knew at this point that this movie was going to be a stunner. Every line in this campy classic is quotable and mindlessly hilarious. It’s a shame in a way, because in some scenes, the elf/dwarf actually looks believable. On the other hand, I love a good campy movie, and they could have added the elf into the story a lot more. The acting is regrettable, and the plot is thin, but I think you  should have already guessed this. There’s a lot of misses (especially gun shot misses), but some of the scenes are actually quite surprisingly decent. It’s annoying that the characters say the elves are “two feet tall” oh, about a hundred times, but they never make the elf look like it’s anything short of tall, aside from the stubby little hairy muscular legs. Furthermore, it’s called Elves, though you only really seem to see one elf. The movie is quite ruined by its whole Nazi government nonsense, and by the middle of the movie you’ve lost all hope for the cheesy creature spin-off of Gremlins you were hoping for.

*Spoiler* An amazing quote that’s too good to be true: “The man in the study is your grandfather. And your father!”

photo credit: https://moviocrity.files.wordpress.com

Sharknado Series Special

As construction season ends and the storms of fall begin, it’s time for one last hurrah! It’s the Summer storm Sharknado spectacular!

hqdefault

Sharknado (2013)

Score: five out of five octopus tidal waves

Length: 86

Best Line: “Hey man, there’s a shark in your pool.”

Movies such as this is why I love good-bad movies so much. It’s exactly what you’d expect and more. Action-packed from start to finish, the movie is pretty self-explanatory. It revolves around (literally) our heroes- Ian Ziering as Fin Shepard and Tara Reid as April Wexler as they manuever a strange “natural” phenomena of tornadoes spinning with an array of sharks. Cheesy script and horrible CGI galore, nom nom nom. Poor acting, accents you can barely understand, ridiculous names, and so many levels of nonsensical water situations. But all mostly on purpose, obviously. A lot of the movie was a wet and splashy traffic jam full of starved, freak sharks. A great movie to watch in the bath. Sure, grab some toy cars and plastic sharks.

sharknado-2-banner

Sharknado 2: The Second One (2014)

Score: three out of five platypus tsunamis

Length: 95

Best Line: “Even the sharknadoes are tougher in New York.”

Sharks on a plane! In New York! Our main two characters are back, and this one includes a whole slew of celebs including Kelly Osbourne, one of the girls from The Craft, Vivica A. Fox, old man Sugar Ray (Mark McGrath), Andy Dick as a cop, Kelly Ripa, Judd Hirsch, Billy Ray Cyrus, Matt Lauer, Al Roker, Biz Markie, and a bunch of others. It was a lot of the same old- bombs and sharks and water. I enjoyed the sharks on fire in this one, and the New York setting but there weren’t that many differences; they needed to kick it up a notch. The second-go involved quite a few more painful acting scenes and heroic speeches than th first, and that took some extra patience to sit through. I mean, he even chain saws through a shark again. Pulling out her hand from a shark’s mouth to get her wedding ring was pretty outrageously funny though (in the lamest way possible).

sharknado-poster

Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! (2015)

Score: three out of five king crab sinkholes

Length: 88

Best Line: “Sharks… in… space!”

On to number three, and from the title I’m expecting an increased dosage of hilariousness. But this time, we’re in Washington/ The White House. I was really hoping for Hawai’i or even Texas this time. Even Canada! The sharks could fight grizzly bears. Luckily, they end up in space, and so do… the sharks. The characters are comprised of our usual family, and I’m pretty over Fin and his stank face at this point. Added to the crew are the dirty and determined Frankie Muniz and Cassie Scerbo. As we’re onto number three, I’ve seen a lot of sharks die at this point, so I’m starting to feel bad for them and their inevitable extinction. You get to a point where you’re bored of the plot and begin to dissect the “veiled” stupidity of these movies, but then suddenly- luckily- you are distracted by a laser chain saw, sharks boinking against a spaceship, and a difficult struggle inside of a shark… in space… getting fried by he sun. And then I actually had to pause the movie when I saw the baby- I was laughing too hard. Here’s to Sharknado 4!

Language: English (USA)

Categories: 2000s, recent, monster, animal, horror comedy, good-bad, recommended, Painful Movie Mondays

photo credits: i.ytimg.com, www.btchflcks.com, womenwriteaboutcomics.com