Top Ten Canadian Horror Films

Happy Canada 150, my fellow proud Canadians and adoring non-Canadians! Here are my favorite scary Canuck movies to watch after the fireworks, or hungover the next morning, accompanied by Canada’s top snacks.

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10. The Brood  (1979)

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One of four Cronenburg and sons films on the list, it’s about a woman driven by her psychologist to do some pretty strange things, among them, lead a brood of lumpy lawn gnome look-alikes. The skin sack is a hard image to forget, so you may want to have a couple 2-4s and mickeys on hand.

Canadian Snack: Watch a woman lick her bloody baby while you nosh on some flavour-packed Lays ketchup chips and guzzle down a spicy Caesar with a green bean.

Review here

Trailer here

 

 

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9. Terror Train (1980)

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A satisfying New Year’s Eve slasher movie about med students at a costume party held on a train who are killed off by a masked murderer. What a kerfuffle with everyone stuck on that train. Better grab your toques and runners and get a move on.

Canadian Snack: In order to stay up past midnight you’re going to need some caffeine. But since we’re on a moving train, better reach for a Coffee Crisp instead.

Review here

Trailer here

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8. The Fly (1986)

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Jeff Goldblum and Gina Davis are surrounded by a hefty helping of that goopy, slimy, eighties blood and gore. It’s pretty much every superhero story, without the superhero part, leaving just- man turns into fly, and it doesn’t go too well.

Canadian Snack: If there’s one thing that flies like, it’s sugar. So give them what they want in a sweet, buttery treat: the butter tart.

This movie doesn’t yet have a full review.

Trailer here

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7. Black Christmas (1974)

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This is a film about a woman calling for her cat, Claude… I mean… it’s about sorority girls trapped in a house with a mystery killer. And also Christmas! So it’s snowing and no one is really around to help. Better than the 2006 version by a million kilometres, but not necessarily thrilling.

Canadian Snack: Our country doesn’t really have much to do with Christmas dinner, so instead, grab a Tims double double with a maple-glazed donut for breakfast.

Review here

Trailer here

 

 

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6. Dead Ringers (1988)

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Who wouldn’t want to watch a movie about twin gynecologists addicted to drugs, both played by Jeremy Irons? I generally dislike it when a movie is two or more hours long, but I didn’t mind it in this case. Felt like I was just watching a few episodes in a row of Twin Peaks. It’s labeled as a drama / horror / thriller, but it doesn’t have the typical tension of a horror or thriller; I found it heavy on the drama end.

Canadian Snack: Nothing goes better together than a Montreal-style bagel and Montreal smoked meat.

This movie doesn’t yet have a full review.

Trailer here

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5. Antiviral (2012)

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A film about a business that offers diseases (carried by celebrities) to the public, in order to allow the fans to feel closer to the famous person they’re obsessed with. So strange, and so creative with such a fantastically interesting lead character played by Caleb Landry Jones (Get Out). Lots of drug hazes, needles galore, and so many blood-soaked white things that even Tide couldn’t clean.

Canadian Snack: Some good ole fashioned brand-name KD with a dollop of ketchup. The Canadian way.

This movie doesn’t yet have a full review.

Trailer here

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4. Cube (1997)

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Out of the three Cube movies, the first has the best ending- with a twist. A group of people are trapped in a room-filled structure, where each room has a different violent booby-trap waiting for them.

Canadian Snack: We’re too hip to be square, but a homemade nanaimo bar is to die for, and angular enough to accompany this franchise.

Review here

Trailer here

3. American Mary (2012)

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A revenge flick about a med student turned underground body modifier is American only by title.

Canadian Snack: To go with the American theme, believe it or not, the popular sushi order, California roll, was invented by a Japanese sushi chef who moved to Vancouver in the seventies.

Review here

Trailer here

2. Ginger Snaps (2000) 

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Good things come in threes, but the original of the well-known Canadian trilogy is the best. Nothing beats some simplistic teen werewolf angst, eh?

Canadian Snack: Unfortunately, ginger snaps aren’t really Canadian, so instead how bout some Chinese food? Surprisingly, ginger beef was invented right here in Calgary, AB. I think a werewolf would prefer meat over cookies anyway.

Review here

Trailer here

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1. Silent Hill (2006)

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This dreamlike fantasy horror about a mother searching for her daughter in an eerie, ash-covered town gets the top spot. This fantastic goth film is an adaptation of a survival video game and couldn’t have been done better. Around every turn is a mysterious creature, its details creatively imagined. I’d pay a lot of loonies and twoonies to see this at the theatre in 3D.

Canadian Snack: The number one spot deserves nothing but the number one Canadian food. So versatile and comforting, you can’t do better than a proper poutine.

This movie doesn’t yet have a full review.

Trailer here

 

BONUS! The legendary tv show, Are You Afraid of the Dark, is of course, also Canadian.

Looking for more? Try Pontypool, Hobo With a Shotgun, Pin, The Changeling, Videodrome, The Shrine, Prom Night. 

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Goodnight Mommy (2015)

Score: 5/10*

Length: 99

Language: German

Categories: 2000s, recent, psychological, woods, foreign, murderer, SPOILERS GALORE

Stuffed into a theatre full of hipsters, stripped down to my tank top as it stayed a steady 30 degrees, I excitedly felt the film’s building dread. About twin boys whose mother returns home after having some work done on her face and doesn’t seem to be the person she was before. I’m not going to give much away, as you’ll undoubtedly spend an hour looking up what everyone has to say about every detail of this unsatisfying, plot-hole-filled film of two very different halves. The cinematography is distinct and luxurious, the scenes bright and sculpted with a simple complexity. But, oh my god, the twist was so exhaustingly obvious. Just hit me over the head with it, grind it up in a blender, and throw it in my face. Oh, there’s only breakfast for one? Oh, only one name is mentioned until halfway through the movie? Whisper, whiper, I can’t talk for myself. Ugh. I needed something else, another twist, something that had to do with the mother. I was really hoping she was someone else. The cat, the emotionless mother with no fight in her, the unexplained accident, and about twenty other details were brought in and never explained- left up to interpretation. But I can’t think of a single explanation that makes any sense, whilst including every single minute thing. Mommy did a great job of being creepy, and the boys were subtle but effective and definitely likable. Watch it, but lower your hopes first, because although the trailer is fantastic, this is no It Follows.

* (confirmed by the friend to who saw it with me)

photo credit: https://pmcvariety.files.wordpress.com/2014/09/goodnight-mommy.jpg

The Stuff (1985)

Score: 6.5/10

Length: 87

Language: English

Categories: 80s, sci-fi, horror-comedy, murderer, almost horror, good bad

I was saving this little gem for when I was able to get some good, white yogurt that resembled “the stuff”. I picked out some banana caramel (surprisingly not yellowy) Greek yogurt and spoon fed myself this fun little eighties bite of magic. Michael Moriarty is our likable 007 hero, but you also get to see a younger “Earl” from 2 Broke Girls, whose name in the movie is… Chocolate Chip.This film is about an alien goop that is marketed as dessert, but becomes addictive and then kills you from the inside. It features a few lame kill-scenes of awesomeness and charming characters. It’s also probably the inspiration for Goosebumps’ Monster Blood series and Scary Movie. The only thing that makes absolutely no sense to me is why they keep trying to burn the Jet Puffed. Are they trying to make s’mores?

photo credit: http://static1.1.sqspcdn.com/static/f/627490/18057296/1336344574933/the+stuff.jpg

Wrong Turn (2003)

Score: 3/10

Length: 84

Language: English

Categories: 2000s, cabin, woods, monster, murderer, Painful Movie Mondays

Right away I thought, Why am I even watching this. It’s my least favorite genre: disfigured forest freaks. There are SIX installments of this title. I like a good cannibal movie as much as the next horror fan, but I just can’t hop on board the disfigured inbred phenomena of the first decade of the 2000s. As I was waiting this entire movie to cringe (not thinking of it’s release year), I appreciate that there are no sexual perversions, and that it’s half silly and half gore and horror chasing. It’s not really too scary or thrilling, however, the incoming axe scene did catch me off guard and give me a jump. Starring that guy from Dexter, that guy from Six Feet Under,, and Eliza Dushku who you’ll recall with greasy, stringy hair in Bring It On. This is a watchable (R rated??) movie about a bunch of young adults who get lost in the forest, snoop about in some gross house, and then get chased around by troll mutant people.

photo credit: https://ianari.files.wordpress.com/2013/02/tumblr_mi9rexoktv1s036d2o3_1280.jpg

Dumplings (2004)

Score: 6.5/10

Length: 91

Language: Mandarin, Cantonese

Categories: Asian, 2000s, foreign, cannibalism

I watched the short of this movie in 3 Extremes (reviewed here: https://earlymorninghorrorreviews.wordpress.com/2015/02/21/three-extremes-2004/), and really enjoyed it. It seems that in order for the film to be extended, a bigger storyline was given to each character, especially the husband. The vain actress still goes to see Aunt Mei for her infamous dumplings which are promised to restore youth. But the husband finds out the secret ingredient of the dumplings and after sexing both his wife and his mistress, he spends some awkward heated sexy time confronting Aunt Mei. I was annoyed that the story was revealed at the very start instead of easing into it, and although I liked the change in the ending, I preferred the creepiness in the original over the revenge plot.

photo credit: http://images.viralnova.com/000/088/417/desktop-1414688729.jpg

Pizza (2014)

Score: 7/10 (for people wanting a scary horror, 5/10)

Length: 107

Language: Hindi

Categories: 2000s, recent, foreign, almost- horror, ghost

This is an amazing Bollywood movie about pizza if you love Bollywood. And it doesn’t really matter if you like pizza or not. But you better like phones, because there are tonnes of them ringing and being answered constantly. The entire movie is an ad for phones. It’s about a handsome pizza boy who lives in an adorable apartment with his pregnant girlfriend. One night, on a pizza delivery, he enters a haunted house. That’s all I really want to tell you about it, because as many dramatic B-wood films, it has a wonderful twist and story. Not really horror, per se, but quirky and creative, and worth a shot. Really a shame I didn’t get to see it in 3D, what a full package that would have been. Best line in the film: “Boss has his fingers in many pies. Who knows what toppings he’s offered to which gods!”

photo credit:http://mastitube.cc/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/pizza-3d-hindi-movie.jpg

Top Ten Horror Movies About Food

Food plays a main role in each of these delicious films, paired with a trailer and dinner suggestions.

1. Matango: Attack of the Mushroom People (1963) {Japanese}

Young adults are shipwrecked and end up on an island where they eat the mushrooms and then turn into mushroom people.

Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cqaslCGn-6w

Best Served With: Just raw mushrooms and some ranch. If that’s not your thing, mushroom pizza or shitake sashimi.

2. Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (1978), Return of the Killer Tomatoes (1988)

Scientists try to save the world from mutant tomatoes.

Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txfdGlxEsG8

Best Served With: tomato soup and grilled cheese or bocconcini salad

3. The Gingerdead Man (2005), Gingerdead Man 2: The Passion of the Crust (2008), Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver (2011), Gingerdeadman vs Evil Bong (2013) {Don’t you worry, I can’t not watch and review this one. Coming soon!}

A murderer comes back to life as a cookie.

Full review here: https://earlymorninghorrorreviews.wordpress.com/2014/12/18/the-gingerdead-man-2005/

Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JXrJIdwe8qs

Best Served With: gingerbread cookie men and milk or try a gingerbread cocktail

4. ThanksKilling (2009), 3 (2012)

A low budget movie about college kids who are terrorized by an evil killer turkey. (The cover says: Warning, boobs in the first second! So you know it’s gotta be good. Also, there is no ThanksKilling 2 which is super weird.)

Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WOjSRoxc6mg

Best Served With: turkey dinner, turkey meatloaf, turkey dogs roasted over a fire, or a turkey sub from Subway if you’re lazy

Don’t like turkey? Try Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead (2006) instead with chicken substitutions.

5. Drive Thru (2007)

Horny the Clown (can’t make this shit up), the mascot of a local burger joint, begins killing teenagers.

Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4iIC10-UjM

Best Served With: burger and fries (with lots of ketchup), coke or milkshake or coke milkshake

6. Rumah Kentang (2012) {Indonesian}

It’s about a ghost who haunts a potato house.

Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNDi9FMBl74

Best Served With: a baked potato with the works

7. Troll 2 (1990)

A bunch of gremlins force people to drink chunky milk which turns them into plant slime so they can be eaten by the vegetarian monsters.

Full review here: https://earlymorninghorrorreviews.wordpress.com/2014/10/07/troll-2-1990/

Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9KCct4RwLNM

Best Served With: green, possibly slimy vegetables (spinach, okra, etc), corn, popcorn, green jello, cakes with green icing letters
8. The Stuff (1985)

A new mass-marketed dessert turns people into sweet, white goop-craving zombies.

Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_cADzGsrXxs

Best Served With: vanilla yogurt, icecream, or even just Jet-Puffed marshmallow creme (which I totally bought once and ate with a spoon)

9. Dead Sushi (2012) {Japanese}

All sushi breaks loose after a crazy man injects a special serum into a squid, turning seafood against people at an Inn.

Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gM3t_uTGi-s

Best Served With: sushi, sashimi, or simply some tuna and rice (eat it fast, once people start barfing it up, it won’t look so good)
10. Pizza 3D (2014) {Hindi}

A delivery boy enters a haunted house. That’s all I’m going to say.

Full review here: https://earlymorninghorrorreviews.wordpress.com/2015/01/08/pizza-2014-2/

Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FGYXzAHjnUo

Best Served With: pizza, obviously (better if you can do a butter chicken or Indian pizza flavour)

Honorable Mention:

Thinner (1996) Just eat everything while you still can!

New recommended movies: Three … Extremes (2004) (segment: Dumplings), Dumplings (2004)

* Not in any particular order.

* This is not including any movies about Cannibalism, as I’ll save that for another list entirely. Plus, you can’t order human.

 

photo credit: (from Dead Sushi) http://cdn.bloody-disgusting.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/dead-sushi-exclusive.jpg