Masters of Horror: Imprint

Masters of Horror is a 2000s television series with a different director for each of the thirteen episodes in the season, running about an hour long.

Directed by: Takashi Miike (Audition, Ichi the Killer)

Evil Category: black-smear-toothed, red-headed whores

Score: five out of five skin-sweeping scars

In regular Takashi Miike form, this episode is strange and intense. Considering the rest of the season is at times a little dull and watered-down, this was a fun finish to season one. I saved this movie for a night with sushi, and I’m going to have to have another sushi night because I want to watch it again. There was just so much going on I don’t think I was able to absorb it all. It’s about this guy (he’s in Charmed, acting as badly as he does in this episode) who is looking for his lost lover. Instead, he learns of her torturous death through the stories of a woman with distorted features. This gnarly, complex episode features everything from a weird little pimp with a nose scab to a conjoined hand twin. (What?!) At the same time, the colours are rich, the costumes are intricate, and it’s beautifully filmed. I didn’t love everything about it, but for sure, the best episode so far.

Masters of Horror: Dream Cruise

Masters of Horror is a 2000s television series with a different director for each of the thirteen episodes in the season, running about an hour long.

Directed by: Norio Tsuruta (Ringu 0. Scarecrow, Premonition)

Evil Category: murderous shipmaster and his glowing ghost ex-wife

Score: one out of five sinking ghost ships

It was a little hard to watch this after the guy got on the boat. I mean, you’re a grown man. You don’t want to get on the boat? Then don’t. The acting is really bad, probably the worst I’ve seen in this series so far. The director and writers (besides Mick Garris) are all Japanese, and looking at the director’s past movies, I assume it might have something to do with an English script. Okay, let’s be real, I’m just trying to make excuses for the shitacular lines this episode has. It starts off, seemingly, as a story about past and present murder, but then ends up being a Ringlike ghost story with a green ghost set out for revenge. But even the ghost vs ghost storyline doesn’t make it good, and we’re left with yet another adult Goosebumps episode. It’s about a man who is haunted by memories of the brother he is not able to save. He gets on a ship with a business partner, but soon learns that the client knows he is sleeping with his wife and things get awkward. The ghost of the captain’s ex-wife also haunts the boat (just recently, even though it’s clear he’s been on the boat for some time) and seeks to kill the adulterers.


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Three Extremes (2004)

Score: 6/10

Length: 118

Language: Cantonese, Mandarin, Korean, Japanese

Other titles: Three… Extremes, Saam Gaang Yi

Categories: foreign, Asian, 2000s, cannibal, vampire, murderer, recommended

In celebration of Chinese New Year, I’m watching this title featuring three shorter films:

(Paired with ginger beef and hot and sour soup!)

Dumplings 7/10

A woman eats fetuses supplied by a witch doctor (Bai Ling) to look young and beautiful. Disturbing yet delicious.

Cut  5/10

A disgruntled movie extra tortures a director and his wife in a strange and glamorous way, but the film confuses us at the end.

Box 5/10

Takashi Miike’s film about twin contortionists at a circus takes us on a delicate and sad journey but leaves us with an unintentionally comedic imagine.

I am a huge fan of films comprised of several films and I enjoyed all of these fairly equally. They were each very unique but also very interesting and well-timed drama-horrors. I am excited to see the full-length feature version of Dumplings.

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Christmas Collection: The Gingerdead Man (2005)

Score: 5/10

Length: 70

Language: English and lots of heh heh hehing

Categories: horror comedy, 2000s, monster, Christmas

Gary Busey plays a psychotic killer who comes back to life as a gingerbread man. I’ll say it again. GARY BUSEY PLAYS A PSYCHOTIC KILLER WHO COMES BACK TO LIFE AS A GINGERBREAD MAN. And he’s not even human-sized, he’s the size of a cookie. Fluffy, spicy, and most of all, simply ridiculous, this is a Christmas-horror must see (while eating gingerbread cookies). And I must say, I am thrilled to watch both Gingerdead Man 2: The Passion of the Crust (which may be the most hilarious movie title I’ve ever heard) and Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver.

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ABC’s of Death 2 (2014)

Score: 6.5/10

Length: 125

Language: English, French, Japanese, Hebrew, Portuguese

Categories: Foreign, Asian, recent, 2000s, shaky cam, murderer, gore porn, recommended, zombie, monster, horror-comedy

The second film in which directors are given a letter of the alphabet and asked to make a horror short. A lot less silly and hard-to-watch than the first anthology, the second installment has an interesting variety of smart, likeable shorts. The only one I didn’t really like was T for Torture Porn just because it seemed lazy and lame. The ones I enjoyed the most were: B is for Badger, C is for Capital Punishment, F is for Falling, J is for Jesus, M is for Masticate, N is for Nexus, and S is for Split. I found these very R: relevant, relatable, rare, refreshing, and a teeny bit repulsive. This one’s got scratchy cartoons, old man ball close-ups, goopy waxmation, and all the blood, guts, and skin rippings you can stomach.

ABC’s of Death (2012) Review:

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The ABC’s of Death (2012)

Score: 5.5/10

Length: 129

Language: English, Spanish, Japanese, German, French, Korean

Sequel: ABC’s of Death 2 (2014)

Categories: 2000s, recent, foreign, murderer, gore porn, Asian

I love the idea of this movie- directors are each given a letter of the alphabet and asked to chose a word beginning with that letter and make a horror short about it. But if I could describe it in two words, they would be F and W: fucking weird. On the plus side, in these kinds of movies there is something for everyone. The minus is that you won’t enjoy half of the stories. My favorites were: C is for Cycle, R is for Removed, T is for Toilet (claymation gore!), and X is for XXL. The ones I liked the least were: D is for Dogfight, E is for Exterminate, and P is for Pressure. My choices are based on personal choice, with no value on how good the direction was. If you are a simple kind of person who doesn’t like a bunch of random shit, this movie is not for you.

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The Eye (2002) (Gin Gwai)

Score: 6.5/10

Length: 99


Categories: Asian, ghost, 2000s, recommended

Sequels: Gin Gwai 2 (2004), Gin Gwai 10 (2005), The Eye (2008) (USA)

Also called Seeing Ghosts, this film was my favorite of the original Asian movies that came out during The Ring’s American remake craze. It is a truly scary movie with a detailed story about a blind woman who has a cornea transplant and begins seeing  ghosts. It has a few weird bits in it such as the cheery music and the ending which seems to pick up after the movie should have already ended.

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The Ring (2002)

Score: 8/10

Length: 115

Language: English

Categories: remake, ghost, 2000s, recommended, murderer

The movie that started the Japanese remake craze, this one is near and dear to my heart, as it happens on my birthday. I also have the same creepy mirror in my basement that I used to stand in front of while combing my hair. I am also very afraid of black horses and of falling down a well (as everyone should be). The movie is about a girl who was chucked into a well by her mother and now has come back in TV pixel ghost form to wreak havoc and in the hopes someone will uncover her story. Young adults find the video while vacationing in a cabin and once they watch the video (which is a serious of black and white clips) they receive a phone calls telling them they have seven days to live. Now it’s a race against time for a mother and her accomplice to find out how to stop Samara before the seven days run out. Some parts are of course cheesy, but the actual video played on the tape is seriously scary, and the acting for the most part is good. I would love to see that stringy-haired girl crawling at me in 3D on the big screen.

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Evil Dead (2013)

Score: 7/10

Length: 91

Lenguage: English

Catgeories: remake, recent, devil

Pluses: A+ gore and makeup, excellent acting, especially from the previously sweet and innocent, Jane Levy, the sirens and blood rain laden ending

Minuses: all the animal deaths, those lame contacts I can go buy at any Halloween store, the fact they associated it to Evil Dead, when really they could have changed minor things and called it something original, the evil enters Mia’s vag from woven twigs barfed up by a ghost…

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Rampo Noir (2005)

Score: (overall) 7/10

Language: Japanese

Length: 134

Categories: Asian, 90s/2000s, murderer

Alternate Title: Ranpo Jigoku

This film is comprised of 4 different stories that are strange, gross, beautiful, and disturbing. Starring the fabulous Tadanobu Asano.

Mars Canal – A nude man wanders around Iceland (pretty much) wrestling memories of his former love. 7/10
Mirror Hell – A slow and mundane story about a mirror killer. 4/10
Caterpillar – I…um…what in the hell am I watching?? A girl tortures her limbless husband monster. 5/10
Crawling Bugs – I dare you not to scratch while watching this story about a killer limo driver intent on taking home his passenger. The scenes with the strange garden are really imaginative. 8/10

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