Holiday Hell (2019)

Score: 3/10

Length: 100 mins

Rating: NR

Language: English

Categories: 2000s, Anthology, holiday, murderer, cult

A four-piece anthology tied together by a girl looking for a girl for her sister at an oddities shop on Christmas Eve. A killer wearing a doll mask killer, an evil rabbi doll, a Santa slasher, and a cult make up the four stories, and the latter takes a mediocre film into a steep downward spiral. It’s not bad for a low budget-horror, but none of the stories really go anywhere and therefore, aren’t exactly memorable. A one-time watch, with acting you can sit through reciting cringeworthy lines.

Pool Party Massacre (2017)

Score: 2/10

Length: 81 mins

Rating: R

Language: English

Categories: horror comedy, murderer, slasher

Everyone loves a summer-themed horror, whether it be beaches, camps or… pools. This one doesn’t even really feature a party, it’s like a small gathering of bitchy gal pals and an uninvited boyfriend and his gross brother. Now that I think about it, did anyone even go in the pool!? The movie is mostly composed of talking-  there are so many boring, nonsensical conversations to skip through, you’d think you were watching The Room. It’s obvious that this film written by a man that has no idea how women speak, while at the same time, the acting from the gal group is an equal blend of awkward and inexperienced. The kills are pathetic (I’m not sure I’ve EVER seen murder with such a lack of enthusiasm) and the blood ranges from Slurpee to brown sludge. The only redeeming part of the film was the “killer conversation” which can be described as mildly funny. And even though no one in the cast or crew has ANY idea of how to do an outfit montage, I appreciated it being included. I’d probably say that this best thing, and my favorite thing about this one was the cover art.

Tumbbad (2018)

Score: 7/10

Length: 104 mins

Rating: NR

Language: Hindi

Categories: 2000s, monster, murderer, fantasy, foreign, Bollywood, recommended, underground, demon

Well, let’s see. A greedy boy from the cursed city Tumbbad, where it rains constantly and everyone is very comfortable being soaking wet, grows up to be a greedy man. A grandmother who is kept alive and in misery by a hex, knows where a treasure is. The treasure, is in a goddess’ vagina, in a tomb, where her son, a red Bad Romance demon-like thing, lives. The now-adult boy visits the demon in the tomb vagina periodically whenever he needs coin, by distracting him with dough dolls and stealing his gold. The original music is catchy, the acting is well-done and I don’t even mind the slow motion CGI. It could use a little bit of the flair and pizzazz a typical Bollywood film might have, even if it just stole some colour. It reminds me a bit of The Fall, but it’s more interested in an Indiana Jones-type story than bright costumes. The story’s end and the accompanying visuals are just short of fantastic and sealed the deal on this sleepy Indian fairy tale. 

 

… what’s it!?
…Hassan? Hatar? Hamad??

The Lighthouse (2019)

Score: 4/10

Length: 109 mins

Rating: R

Language: English

Categories: 2000s, recent, black and white, supernatural, murder

Robert Eggers, production designer recently turned director, known for The Witch, teams up with his brother to suck all the colour out of his latest film. This is a story about two sailor men who are on duty as lighthouse keepers. They do their duties. They talk about nothing with their silly accents. They go a little cray cray. They get excited about mermaid vagina. One smokes a lot and one farts a lot. But it’s enjoyable because it’s like looking at black and white artsy photographs. I liked that this movie was simply called The Lighthouse, because if nothing else, I came here to learn about lighthouses, and I feel I’ve been adequately educated. ]I did feel immersed in this incredibly slow-burner of a movie, and I found it easy to picture myself in the setting feeling cold and damp, and bored out of my damn mind. Unfortunately, (intentionally?) I had no affections to either character, Da Foe with his rough and tough fairytale fisherman persona nor Pattinson with his affinity for seagull murder. I can appreciate that the realistic decent into madness isn’t typically fast-paced and full of thrilling events, but the most terrifying thing the film has to offer are likely the shadows on Da Foe’s face during his monologues. The lengthy singing and dancing was more than a little painful to sit through, but it might still be a great stuck indoors due to stormy weather, nothing better to do type-film.

Shout out to Amazon Prime for providing interesting trivia facts to read during slow movies.

Ghost Stories (2019)

Score: 4.5/10

Length: 144

Rating: Mature (Netflix)

Language: English

Categories: 2000s, Hindi, Bollywood, anthology, murderer, monster, ghost

There are a lot of films with this name, so don’t get confused- this is the Bollywood horror anthology film on Netflix. The same directors who worked on Lust Stories share four creepy tales. A few things you need to keep in mind- Bollywood is known for elaborate action films and romances with loads of singing and dancing. It’s not known for its horror films and rightfully so- they don’t compare to the actual horrors we see in most North American, European, and Asian films, they’re more like spooky bed time stories. So take that horror genre categorizing with a huge grain of salt. And maybe some cilantro.

The segments don’t have titles so I’m just going to make them up and review them separately.

The Old Lady – A young woman is a caretaker for an elderly, bed-ridden lady. Strange things happen in the house at night, and eventually, the nurse happens upon a horrible secret which she smelled from the start.

Egg Envy – An almost black and white story about an expecting mother, a jealous child, and feathery fears of a miscarriage.

Monster Meal – I suppose a zombie movie, but more with monsters. Most of the humans are still turning, however, our main monster looks a lot like Harry the sasquatch from Harry and the Hendersons. Funny enough, this is probably the scariest segment, due to some of the frightening acting by the affected-humans. A man visits a small town and finds two children to be the sole survivors of some sort of mutation that turns humans into apelike creatures with bad eyesight who eat humans.

Granny’s Blessing – The final film is strange and not scary, but definitely quirky. An attractive couple plan an arranged marriage, but the wife-to-be has second thoughts after learning that her fiance is obsessed with his dead grandmother.

The Perfection (2018)

Score: 3.5/10

Length: 90

Rating: Mature (Netflix)

Language: English

Categories: 2000s, Netflix, murderer, recent, girly

The first half of theis movie is actually pretty decent. Guessable, because it’s pretty much Black Swan with cello instead of ballet, but still enticing. There are two points in the film in which there’s a rewind of events. Each time this happens, the film gets worse. A lot worse.

We start with the typical waspy white girl (a character Allison Williams has down pat by now) and your typical sweet, bi-racial competition. Both girls meet in Shanghai, where their former musical academy is auditioning for new students. The former-students make fast friends and plan an excursion together which goes horribly wrong when one of the girls gets sick. The Netflix movie can be split into three parts, separated by the rewinding of events: The first part is full of gag-worthy body grossness, including vomit, diarrhea, maggots, and amputation, so I’d highly recommend you don’t start this movie with a meal. Unless it’s meal worms and you’re trying to go for a theme. The second chunk is all of our twist reveals and the action-section. It’s watchable, but you can feel the film start to slide downhill. Part three is just horrible, stupid, and ultimately laughable. I actually guffawed at the end, and that’s a rare occurrence for me unless Larry David is present. I assume they were trying to finish with the same thrills the film started with and just went way too far. We get it, it’s rape-revenge, you want something bad to happen to the perpetrators, but throwing it in at the very last moment does not satisfy anyone. If the movie cut after the second scene with the girl running, it might have won itself a few more points.

 

Midsommar (2019)

Score: 9/10

Length: 147 (yes, it’s like three hours long, but it doesn’t feel like it)

Rating: R

Language: English

Categories: 2000s, murderer, recent, recommended, supernatural

This is the director’s second full-length film after Hereditary, and let me say, I thought it was fucking fantastic. It has everything I want: flowers and hippy euphoria nonsense, strange plot line that actually somehow makes sense, uncommon gore, and a break-up story with a fantastic ending. I think most will probably like Hereditary more (though you have to look up what’s it’s actually about afterwards to appreciate it fully), but this movie was my jam. I also thought the acting was very well-done, the actors were well chosen, and the location was on-point. It’s a story about a rocky couple and their friends who venture to Sweden for a mid-summer festival. Things get very cult-y and weird as the group discovers (and participates in) more “family rituals”. Things go from bad to worse at a believable pace, and I found the choices the characters made strangely realistic for the situation they’re in. The one and only thing, in my opinion,  that’s lacking in this movie is the scare-factor. Don’t expect any tension or jump-scares in this film, it’s not really the director’s style. He’s more of a slow, repulsion kinda guy, and I can’t fault him for that, but that’s why it’s not at a perfect score.

Mandy (2018)

Score: 6.5/10

Length: 121

Rating: NR (clearly R)

Language: English

Categories: 2000s, recent, murderer, supernatural

If you want a metal movie without much actual metal music, this is your film. Packed with Nicholas Cage anger revenge awesomeness/hilarity, this one is a must see, but that definitely does not guarantee you’ll like it. There’s not even really a story. Wifey Mandy is killed by a strange hippie cult and their motorbike demons for no reason I can remember. There’s no twist or anything, she’s killed in front of her hubs, he’s traumatized, and does a bunch of ridiculous stuff to seek revenge with his self-made ax-chainsaw situation. I mean, this movie can be summed up as a really bad drug trip experienced in a basement full of records and guitars. Weirdly enough, I wanted a little more from the film. Mandy wasn’t likable in the least, and I feel like if you’re going for an insane Nic Cage revenge film, you should be going HARD. I also kind of wished the rock and roll aspect was a little more integrated. Perhaps one band holds the soundtrack, or just more rock and roll aspects in the movie. I didn’t even notice many songs in the movie to be honest. Loved the art house vibe, the crazy Cage acting and the whole idea, but I just wasn’t blown away by it, and this should be a movie you remember forever.

Apostle (2018)

Score: 4.5/10

Length: 130 (aka way too long)

Rating: TV-MA (Netflix release only)

Language: English

Categories: 2000s, recent, murderer, religious

I’m just going to get right to it- I was bored. I didn’t really find this to be much of a horror flick outside all of the torturing, and even with the torturing I found it quite dull. It took me awhile to get into it, and by the time I was interested, the story seemed to be unraveling. I felt I was more interested in the cinematography than what happened to any of the characters, especially our “hero”. Don’t get me wrong, the acting was solid and it’s always fun to see Michael Sheen (especially as a cult leader in the early 1900s), but as per usual, this film really didn’t need to be stretched out as long as it was.

It’s about a guy who is looking to rescue his sister from a cult. As you can imagine, it doesn’t go very well, and in learning all their secrets, he puts himself in a vulnerable position. People are tortured and killed by religious psychos, blah blah blah the end.

A lot of people are comparing this to The Witch (which I was highly disappointed with) but even though both films are slow, I was invested in the magic and the characters in The Witch, unlike this one. In the end, I don’t feel like this film was a waste of time, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to recommend it to anyone, and I wouldn’t watch it again unless I was half-way to dreamland.

Pyewacket (2017)

Score: 6/10

Length: 90

Rating: NR

Language: English

Categories: 2000s, recent, Canadian, forest, supernatural, murderer

This is yet another one of those films I was supposed to watch about a hundred times and never ended up actually watching it. I’m very sorry as a true Canadian, but I’m thrilled to see it today with my poutine, as I’ve been cheating on horror movies a lot lately with dark, sci-fi Netflix shows.

This super slow-burner is about a teenager who, in struggling with her relationship with her mother, completes a black magic ritual to kill her. In her fleeting moment of anger, she doesn’t quite realize what the demon she’s summoned is capable of, and how it will wreak havoc on her life. Although I felt like the film spent time developing characters that it could have spend building tension, it was a good idea, sort-of like a scary bedtime story. The twist was pretty obvious, but I was really appreciative that the ending wasn’t happy or neat. It definitely could have been stretched out a minute or two as I felt it was like: “TADA! Here’s the twist! The end!” Like it was just so great the movie should end right there. The demon-thing was also pretty well done- mostly shadows with some decent make-up when close-up. I could have done with a few more demon scenes thrown in there and a little more of a build-up with what happened with the freak-out friend. This witchy teenage film probably won’t leave  a lasting impression, but the acting was good, the scenery grand and familiar, and I can’t exactly fault this film for much besides being very slow to start.

Happy Canada Day!